Tuesday, March 31, 2009

On The Move Again!

Yes, the news today is as incredible as it is startling: The Sweetwoods are on the move again!

The newspaper industry is an ever-changing beast and here's what I've learned: If you don't stay one step ahead of the beast, it will devour you. Just ask those poor folks in Seattle and Denver and Ann Arbor and Crystal Lake*.

Well, no more for us. I love the noble newspaper and I will always cherish the way it covered me and anything I held dear every morning in ink, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And this man is a newspaperman no more.

Starting in May, I will be executive director of the Lyndon B. Johnson Library in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, that's a big leap. But after serious reflection, I decided that newspapers may die, but history lives forever. And the fine folks at the wonderful Johnson library made me a Texas-sized offer I could not refuse.

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PRESIDENT JOHNSON

There's irony in that the president who once observed "The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character" now has a old newspaper editor as head of his library. He famously clashed with the Washington press corps, but also installed the three-TV set up in the White House so he could simultaneously monitor the ABC, NBC and CBS evening newscasts. Elvis Presley copied that idea for his basement rec room.

The president is also credited with one of the all-time best newspaper quotes: "If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM."

Despite Mary's long-held contention that "God hates Texas," we've already made several secret trips to scout houses and we will not live anywhere near the Bushes (Mary also stipulated that).

Here's how I won the Texas debate:

• Austin was selected as the No. 2 Best Big City in "Best Places to Live" by Money magazine in 2006.
• The average temperature in January is 60 degrees.
• If we could go from Gators to Buckeyes,we could go from Buckeyes to Longhorns.

We love Ohio (like we loved Florida and, before that, Illinois, and, before that, New York) and all of the people here (like we loved all of the Florida people and, before that, all of the Illinois people and, before that, all of the New York people). But how could I pass up the opportunity to blend my love of history, my fascination with the 1960s and my intense hatred of winter?

So, in 30 days we are Austin-bound. Yah-Hoooo!

More later,

Mark

P.S. OK, April Fools. We love Ohio and The Vindicator!

* Referring to the former Crystal Lake Times newspaper which died in 2000.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

An open letter to Major League Baseball Players

Many of you have spent years on steroids. Confronted, you've taken many different, interesting tracks.

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• Stars like Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez denied taking steroids then denied that they knew exactly what that stuff was that was being injected into their bodies.
• Stars like Sammy Sosa suddenly forgot English and became the embodiment of Chico Escuela.
• Mark McGwire just sobbed and denied reality like the little girl he now resembles because of his lack of testicles.

Me? I'm coming clean. I spent a week on steroids. And I am here to say that anyone who is on steroids KNOWS he is on steroids.

So, on top of being cheaters, these men are liars.

The doc prescribed prednisone as an anti-inflammatory when I came in with a bad case of bronchitis. I also got the Z-Pak and the delicious codeine-laced cough syrup...

Mmmmmm... Codeine...

Anyway, within days, I began to feel the effects:

• Fatigue
• Blurred vision
• Acne
• Sleeplessness
• Night sweats
• Restlessness
• Increased urination
• Bizarre appetite fetishes

That was just the beginning.

By the end of the week, my gonads had shrunk to the size of mere grapefruits...

I forgot to mention, this blog is rated R because it might contain "adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse or other elements."

The prescription ended Thursday. By Saturday, I still had acne and new symptoms, these brought on by prednisone withdrawal, including fatigue, headaches and a smaller hat size.

Sure, I killed at the batting cage. But all in all, this was not a pleasant experience. Bronchitis sucks enough but when you add night sweats, it's downright miserable.

So, Major League Baseball stars, come clean. Whether you hide behind lies or some 21st Century masking agent, you can't hide from yourself. You know darned well that when you start sweating profusely at night even when you are all alone, get more zits than Jessica Simpson at a french-fry eating contest or suddenly fit into a youth-sized cup again, that steroids are to blame.

More later,

Mark
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