Conan, We Have A Job For You!

Monday night, Conan O'Brien, the beleaguered host of The Tonight Show, announced he was putting himself up for sale on Craigslist. The ad for his "services" reads:

TALL, SLENDER REDHEAD AVAILABLE FOR NIGHTTIME RECREATION

• 6'4", completely ripped, VERY Caucasian.
• Drapes match the carpet.
• Currently homeless, must meet at your place.
• Can go a whole hour (with scheduled breaks every 7-10 minutes).
• Fatties welcome
• Not afraid to take two people at once, and then a musical guest.
• NOTE: If you want me to perform after midnight, it'll cost you!

Now, as many of you are aware, Mary is planning a roast for my, uhm, second annual 49th birthday party in February. Now, with an all-star line-up of great roasters, wouldn't a slightly used, former TV host as emcee add a certain class to the affair? And so I answered the ad:

CoCo:

My wife is having a roast for my 50th birthday party Feb. 27 at 7 p.m. at our house and we need an MC. It's a two-hour event. We would expect:

• An opening monologue (Warning: my boss is also the owner of the Youngstown NBC affiliate so watch the Leno cracks).

• Intros to the dozen or so roasters. We'll write much of the stuff, but you might want to ad lib (i.e. my wife's drinking problem, etc.).

• A closing bit. Maybe a song like "There's No Business Like Show Business" but changing most of the words to be about me, as it is my 50th birthday party.

Now, for your services, we believe you deserve to be paid something, despite the whole "damaged goods" thing you've got going on. We are offering:

• Round-trip airfare (coach).

• Pickup and return to the Pittsburgh airport (we are hoping you aren't so tall that you can't fit easily into the back of my wife's Cavalier).

• Deluxe accommodations overnight in our Elvis-themed bedroom.

• All you can eat during the roast (we might ask you to help the catering staff, though).

• $250 cash.

• A $50 giftcard to The Olive Garden to use when you get back home (got it for Christmas and really hate The Olive Garden).

If it helps seal the deal, I am also kind of a fatty.

Let us know if this works for you. We need to know by Friday. The balloon clown, "Snurkles," our first choice, wants a deposit by then.


Mark


So, we are sitting back and waiting for the negotiations to get under way. Conan will have absolutely nothing to do by late February (I mean, how long can they draw this late night mess out? It's kinda played out already.).

I should also point out that Mary, as far as I know, doesn't really have a drinking problem. I added that for comic effect. Luckily, she's a VERY good sport. I snuck a little Jack Daniels into her coffee this morning, just like I do every morning, and she read my letter to Conan and laughed. And then fell asleep.

More later,

Mark

The Bears Visit Mark's World

In my frustration as I watched the Chicago Bears huddle up with mediocrity by keeping the three architects of the current sorry state of affairs in place, I have been searching for a sign:

Please, just show me that you guys actually care about what fans – those who pay the bills – have to say.

I may have found a sign in the least likely of places.

On Monday night – some 19 hours before the odd spectacle of a news conference at Halas Hall featuring team president Ted Phillips, general manager Jerry Angelo and coach Lovie Smith – I posted a script of sorts as a best guess as to what the Bears MIGHT say. It was more hopeful than logical. I wanted Phillips to be more apologetic and take a harder line with Smith.

After all, this is the team that, in three years, managed only 12 wins against teams with winning records. Yet, somehow, Lovie has managed to conjure up emotional pleas for his teams to end each of the last three campaigns with 2-0 records; a masking agent aimed to dupe ownership that this was an organization on the rebound, not one in horrific and moribund decline.

Still, as to the coordinators, some of the tone, etc., the blog was more of a hit than a miss.

I tweeted the blog and featured it on Facebook, etc. and had more than a hundred hits which is good for my site these days these days.

Wednesday, I decided to see who all had visited my Web site in the past 48 hours. I was stunned to discover that Tuesday morning, several hours before the news conference, someone from Halas Hall had actually spent some time on my site.

Here's the detailed listing from my SiteMeter:



I obliterated the ISP info out of a courtesy and a respect for privacy.

The fact that on a busy Tuesday morning, someone in the Bears organization spent more than nine minutes taking in some fan's views is pretty interesting. I don't think it means much more than that, but maybe it is the hopeful sign I've been looking for.

The Bears are in serious trouble, even if Phillips in unable or unwilling to fully comprehend his situation. I am hoping that whomever took in my words returns some day to reflect on this mess. I'll keep posting ideas and I'll never stop being a Bears fan.

In any case, checking out Bears fans views is not the worst way to figure the direction of a franchise. I encourage ownership to continue to reach out.

More later,


Mark

No Joy In Being Right

I had the SCORE on in the background at work today and I managed to listen to much of the Bears news conference. While the team did not exactly follow the script I had posted here some 19 hours in advance, I didn't get much wrong.

Much of what I heard, even if it seemed eerily familiar, was troubling. There was a pathological incoherence present in the discombobulated press affair with the top brass trundled to the podium individually to apologize, accept blame, rationalize their existence and then answer obvious questions for which there seemed to be no preparation.

And the logic! We're dissatisfied with the overall performance in the past three years so we are keeping the three main architects in place. We let Lovie fire Ron Rivera and bring in his own guy and then take over the defense himself and those missteps make him qualified to choose the next defensive coordinator. The defense was so bad we were out of many games before the first half was over, so we're firing all of the offensive coaches. We made many key personnel evaluation missteps and we're changing little about the evaluation process.

We trust Lovie.

My first reaction that I Tweeted: "OVERALL ASSESSMENT: The Bears sound lost."

Take one exchange: Here's GM Jerry Angelo on the defense:

"There were games this year that were over by halftime. A big part of it was our defense. I'm concerned about that. We have issues that we have to deal with on defense. Scheme, personnel, yes, we don't have as many dominating players on defense to do the things we did in past years."

Next up was Lovie Smith:

"A lot is being placed on the [defensive] scheme. Every team in the league plays Cover 2; we're basically all playing the same thing. It's gap control. That's what defense is. The (new defensive coordinator) coming in, I would like for him to have some of the similar beliefs that I have."

Why? Because your philosophy was so successful?

And what does this all say about any potential changes to come? Lovie is still playing out his debate with Rivera about defensive schemes. The problem? Rivera has moved on and will be coaching his team in the playoffs while Lovie just had to fire himself because he couldn't do Rivera's old job.

I learned everything I needed to know when Angelo basically admitted that the Bears final two wins of the season sealed Smith's return as coach. Hmmmm...

Here's something I've not seen noted anywhere else: The Bears finished each of their last three pathetic seasons exactly the same way: With a 2-0 run.

Lovie Smith is not playing for the fans or the organization. Lovie Smith is playing for Lovie Smith and doing just barely enough to get by to earn his next $11 million from the Bears. And a team of naive rookies who just want to play and lazy veterans who like the cushy atmosphere at Lake Forest these days are enabling this arrogant, stubborn stain on the Bears great tradition.

The more I write, the more enraged I become. Shame on the Bears owners for not holding the architects of the current mess – Ted Phillips, Angelo and Smith – truly accountable by firing one or all of them.

Bears fans deserve better than the sham of a pity party that was allowed to be amateurishly played out in the auditorium at Halas Hall today. We can only hope that when that auditorium is again filled with media 365 days and at least nine more regular season losses from now, it will be to watch the organization thank Phillips, Angelo and Smith with some sort of lovely parting gift.

More later,


Mark

What The Bears Will Announce Tuesday

I am going to post my best guess some 19 hours before the 2 p.m. (3 p.m. EST) Chicago Bears news conference. It is based on my gut feelings, events of the past 24 hours, as well as other blogs and pundits I trust.

It is NOT what I wish will happen. That's easy: Lovie Smith SHOULD be fired.

Unfortunately, it is not going to be that easy or that clean.

Look at everything that has happened since the Bears ended the season by beating up on the hapless Detroit Lions:

• Bears records were set by Jay Cutler and special teams setting up, after the second consecutive meaningless win, an argument for an improvement in team performance.

• Bears players began to openly discuss what the absence of Brian Urlacher meant to the team.

• It was revealed that Matt Forte's spotty performance was due to a strained ACL/MCL.

• The team apologized to fans in two newspaper ads.

• Players began to openly, almost belligerently, back Lovie's return.

And keep in mind Jerry Angelo's comments last week about his "nucleus of young talent" on the team...

A well-orchestrated script is being cobbled together for the big show Tuesday. I think it will be delivered by Bears President Ted Phillips and look - or sound - a little something like this:

This was a tough year for Bears fans, players and owners. And we know we need an immediate turn-around. We think we made some good moves going into this season with Jay Cutler and younger players like Johnny Knox and Devin Aromashodu. But we made missteps, too. Lovie tried to be his own defensive coordinator. Our offensive plans were not focused which impacted the play of young players. Not every veteran measured up, especially on the offensive line.

Added to this were season-long injuries to the heart of our team like to Brian Urlacher and Matt Forte. Other players who filled in were also hurt and this exacerbated a bad situation.

In short, despite great anticipations, our luck in 2009 was made up of three kinds: bad, little and no.

We must field a team in 2010 that will make this city and Chicago Bears fans around the world proud. We want to be competitive in every game. We want to win the Super Bowl. These are the core goals of the Chicago Bears.

Sometimes bad luck just happens, as in the case of Brian Urlacher. But many times, experience has shown, you can control fate or luck if only you put yourself in the best possible situation. We did not do that enough in the past year.

Beginning right now, it is important for the entire Bears organization to understand that we will do whatever it takes to win the Super Bowl next year in Dallas. To this end, no position from the front office to the field will escape scrutiny.

In the front office, we believe Lovie Smith has many of the right attributes to be a successful head coach. It was just three years ago that we anticipated our first return to the Super Bowl in 20 years under his leadership. Unfortunately, Lovie did not exhibit his best attributes this past year. We met with Lovie yesterday and he agreed to stay on as head coach for the next season under these conditions:

• He will work with management to replace the offensive and defensive coordinators. We have also eliminated the "Assistant Head Coach" position. We need to find the best coaching minds out there; we are not interested in those who merely subscribe to current philosophies. Our team will only win when we build philosophies to match the players we have in the organization and not the other way around. All other coaching positions will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

• Lovie will work with the GM and scouts to create an improved, shared view of player assessment. There simply has to be more cohesion. There is no attempt to have a group coach of the Bears, but the coach cannot usurp the GM and scouts' roles, either. We need to attract the best athletes and then put them in the best positions to win.

• Players – and coaches – need to be evaluated week to week in practice to ensure we are fielding the best team possible. There are too many occasions in the past season of veteran players resting instead of practicing while new talent languished. Worse, this pattern clearly lead to our team simply being "unprepared," to use Lovie's term, for games. Chicago Bears players need to show up each day prepared to work hard. Otherwise, we will find new players who understand our Bear tradition.

That said, management needs to do a better job of evaluating our team and holding every person in the organization accountable. Jerry Angelo has also agreed to new working circumstances and has stepped up to shoulder his share of the burden for the past season.

In order to have him better focused on the many pressing tasks, his job has been divided and joining him in the GM role is Patrick McCaskey who will serve as a direct liaison to Virginia McCaskey who sets the tone and the vision of the Bears franchise. Patrick's role will be to maintain the big-picture duties of GM while Jerry can continue to focus on the many day-to-day needs.

This is not the complete road map to Dallas but it is the start of the plan. We believe we have many great players already in place. We trust the coaching skills of Lovie Smith. We know we have the best fans on the planet. We appreciate the understanding of our fans and share the anguish and outrage for what felt to almost everyone as a wasted opportunity.

Great teams learn from their mistakes and persevere. We are a great team and the 2010-11 season will be among our best and that pledge comes right from the top.

As we said Monday in our newspaper ad, "winning is, and will always be, our top priority and we will not rest until we bring a championship back to Chicago."

That's my view. What do you think will happen Tuesday? Post or send me an e-mail at marksweetwood@aol.com or Tweet me at SOBEDITOR On Twitter

More later,


Mark