Conan, We Have A Job For You!

Monday night, Conan O'Brien, the beleaguered host of The Tonight Show, announced he was putting himself up for sale on Craigslist. The ad for his "services" reads:

TALL, SLENDER REDHEAD AVAILABLE FOR NIGHTTIME RECREATION

• 6'4", completely ripped, VERY Caucasian.
• Drapes match the carpet.
• Currently homeless, must meet at your place.
• Can go a whole hour (with scheduled breaks every 7-10 minutes).
• Fatties welcome
• Not afraid to take two people at once, and then a musical guest.
• NOTE: If you want me to perform after midnight, it'll cost you!

Now, as many of you are aware, Mary is planning a roast for my, uhm, second annual 49th birthday party in February. Now, with an all-star line-up of great roasters, wouldn't a slightly used, former TV host as emcee add a certain class to the affair? And so I answered the ad:

CoCo:

My wife is having a roast for my 50th birthday party Feb. 27 at 7 p.m. at our house and we need an MC. It's a two-hour event. We would expect:

• An opening monologue (Warning: my boss is also the owner of the Youngstown NBC affiliate so watch the Leno cracks).

• Intros to the dozen or so roasters. We'll write much of the stuff, but you might want to ad lib (i.e. my wife's drinking problem, etc.).

• A closing bit. Maybe a song like "There's No Business Like Show Business" but changing most of the words to be about me, as it is my 50th birthday party.

Now, for your services, we believe you deserve to be paid something, despite the whole "damaged goods" thing you've got going on. We are offering:

• Round-trip airfare (coach).

• Pickup and return to the Pittsburgh airport (we are hoping you aren't so tall that you can't fit easily into the back of my wife's Cavalier).

• Deluxe accommodations overnight in our Elvis-themed bedroom.

• All you can eat during the roast (we might ask you to help the catering staff, though).

• $250 cash.

• A $50 giftcard to The Olive Garden to use when you get back home (got it for Christmas and really hate The Olive Garden).

If it helps seal the deal, I am also kind of a fatty.

Let us know if this works for you. We need to know by Friday. The balloon clown, "Snurkles," our first choice, wants a deposit by then.


Mark


So, we are sitting back and waiting for the negotiations to get under way. Conan will have absolutely nothing to do by late February (I mean, how long can they draw this late night mess out? It's kinda played out already.).

I should also point out that Mary, as far as I know, doesn't really have a drinking problem. I added that for comic effect. Luckily, she's a VERY good sport. I snuck a little Jack Daniels into her coffee this morning, just like I do every morning, and she read my letter to Conan and laughed. And then fell asleep.

More later,

Mark