Jet Blue It

I got into an infamous jam with the airlines industry a decade or so ago by emotionally detailing my experiences after a botched flight during some - in my mind - relatively mild winter weather.

We were set to fly from Chicago to Memphis, Tenn., for an Elvis birthday weekend extravaganza one January evening.  The plane was "de-iced" at the gate and then we sat there for about two hours before the pilot got clearance to leave. When we finally got our chance to take off, we didn't because the pilot feared the delay between de-icing and the upcoming takeoff was too long. Hence, we retuned to the gate to ge re-de-iced.

It was a very light snow (less than an inch accumulated eventually) and, of course, once you lose your place in line, you might never leave. Plus, this was a connection through Dallas and we'd never make our connecting flight. So I used the plane phone and discovered there were seats available on another airline that was flying non-stop to Memphis and that they would honor our current tickets.

Deal or no deal: Should we go to Dallas where we have luggage but no room and no party or should we go to Memphis where we have a room and a party but no luggage.

We chose the party.

I was writing a weekly column in those days and I caused a small flap because I unwittingly chose a term to describe the pilot that was viewed as an attack on his manhood (the term allegedly has roots in the Air Force or flight school or something as I was repeatedly told in nasty phone calls and e-mails emanating from the airline industry). It was like calling the guy the P-word. Really, that wasn't my intent. I was mad and I did - and will always - question the logic of de-icing a plane at the gate and then allowing it sit there for couple of hours before rolling it out to the runway only to then decide it was too long since the de-icing and, therefore, unsafe to fly.

I learned, by the way, that other airports and even other countries had a much better system than certain airlines were utilizing at O'Hare back in those times (in Europe it was commonplace THEN for airliners to taxi under a car-wash-type apparatus EN ROUTE TO THE FREAKIN' RUNWAY to get de-iced). Many improvements have been made since my infamous rage at the flying machine and I take credit for them all.

Anyhoo, from this vantage point, I have paid close attention to all of the many stories of passengers trapped on planes in New York for 10 or 11 hours on Wednesday. For the record, that would never happen on any plane that I was on. They have yet to build a plane that could contain me for that long.

What the situation calls for is not an emotional outburst like a young me so many years ago. No, the situation calls for a cool, calm, rational, well-thought-out plan. So, you have two choices: Either always fly with me or take the following words to heart.

The Plan:

First, after hour No. 3 (and I think it is very gracious of us to allow the crew three hours to solve a problem of getting a bus over to take us off the plane to return us to the gate) the passengers should begin to elect logical, calm, business-like spokesmen and spokeswomen. We would need six-to-eight leaders to equal the crew. We would encourage all cell phone users to call their families to tell them of our plight and make sure they have the flight number and the airline's name. The family members would be told to inform the airport with call after call that FLT 211 was stuck on the tarmac and passengers needed to be rescued.

Airport officials said Thursday they had no idea that a plane was stuck for that long. OK, I've eliminated that possibility.

At hour No. 4, should it be required, we would survey the 150 passengers for at-risk people: The elderly, the sick, the young. We would then have each family of these individuals call their attorneys to direct them to immediately call the airline and the airport to explain the dire legal consequences if their clients are not de-planed immediately.

At hour No. 5, should it be required, the passengers would instruct family members back home to start calling the media to have them seek out airport and airline officials to inquire about the status of FLT 211 and to share some of the horror stories they are hearing from the plane. After today, do you think any airport or airline wants another front-page story about or all-day cable broadcast about passengers stuck on a tarmac?

At hour No. 6, should there be any need for No. 6, and I think not, the elected core spokespeople would initiate a conversation with the crew. In an a non-threatening manner, they would seek arbitration to remedy the situation. What ideas have we not tried? Could you call your union (or do union officials only have media connections during strike talks)? How about a pilot on the phone live on CNN right now? Can you call some high-ranking company official? The ground crew? Some simple math would also be employed: There are six or eight of you and 150 of us and in a vote, the vote would be either unanimous or 150-6 (or 150-8) that we leave the plane now by using the window escapes. And if all the passengers decided to open the window hatches, you'd be unable to stop them. Any melee would be bad for everyone.

In addition, please recall that Jet Blue officials were quick to throw their own flight crew under the proverbial bus in response to media (and lawyer) inquiries after the Valentine's Day massacre calling the passengers' situation and the crew's reactions "unacceptable." So, you can act all officious in here, but out there – and we will get out – you will be vilified. Through our families, we have already secured www.flt211.blogspot.com and we have cell phone pictures and you are all going to be famous.

So, how do we remedy this together?

I don't think the crisis would get to hour No. 6, but if it did, it wouldn't probably make it to No. 7, let alone hour Nos. 8, 9, 10 or 11.

Anyway, that's how I'd fly. Keeping innocent people hostage against their will for 10 or 11 hours in an unsafe environment without proper water, food or sanitary toilet facilities is depraved behavior. Even airline officials are at a loss. An organized, prepared team of passengers can effectively regain control of the situation - and their lives.

Happily, I'm in Florida when winter storms are quite uncommon.

More later,

Mark