Another Fine Meth You've Gotten Me Into...

One of the downsides of the move to Florida: I seem to have acquired some sort of allergy.

Previously, I've been spared from any notion of allergic reactions. Mary has been poked and prodded and tested for her many allergies which typically result in her using an entire box of facial tissues each day. Me? I scoffed.

Allergies? Bah! Humbug!

That was, until a couple of months ago. Something in the morning air now causes me to sneeze and wheeze AND use some tissues from Mary's seemingly private stash.

Her suggestion? Claritin with Sudafed! Mary's been addicted ... I mean, she has used it for years and the best part: It's now an over-the-counter medication! She gave me a couple of hers and I could feel the effects instantly. Emboldened, I went to the store to buy my own Claritin.

What a nightmare. You can't actually buy Claritin with Sudafed right off of the shelf, you have to take a card to a pharmacist who demands your driver's license and proceeds to run you through a database. You see, the active ingredients in Claritin with Sudafed not only take the bite out of the pollen-filled morning air, but they also can be used to make methamphetamines. And, I tried to purchase two 10-count boxes during the same week in which our county sheriff had busted a couple of meth-labs.

Hence, I was profiled as an obvious gang-banger. Apparently what happens is this: Local drug cartels have been recruiting sniffling, wheezing, plump, late-40s white men in baggy denim shorts, flamboyant camp shirts and Chicago Bears caps to secure Claritin for them.

That's how it appeared to me, anyway. The woman would not tell me why, but explained, based on what her computer told her, I could only buy a package of 10. And she said this loud enough for the now amassing line behind me at the Target pharmacy counter to comprehend that I was a potential drug mule.

I vowed there and then to never buy Claritin again. However, last Wednesday, I needed a fix, so I hit my neighborhood Walgreen's.

Same routine. I could only buy 10. And I had to sit there while she entered and entered endless information about me into her computer. And she got on the intercom to announce to everyone in the store that I could only buy 10 Claritins. OK, I made the intercom part up, but, again, others had gotten in line behind me and she said, "Well, it will only let me sell you 10. Did you recently buy some in another store?"

"Three or four weeks ago in Target," I said.

"I see..." she replied.

I have no idea what she saw and I decided not to push the issue.

The dumbest thing the FDA ever did was to OK the over-the-counter status of Claritin with Sudafed. It should be available only by prescription which would make it an issue between my doctor and me. People with scripts for oxycontin and/or liquid cocaine get less of a hassle than a guy with some Florida allergy. And treating every Claritin/Sudafed customer as a potential drug mule is beyond ridiculous.

I have an idea, though. Judging by the arrests and from what I read, scoring crystal meth is far easier (and far less paperwork-intensive) than scoring Claritin with Sudafed. So, here is my brilliant scheme to avoid the hassle and embarrassment of attempting to buy Claritin wih Sudafed: I am going to invent a Claritin lab.

Then, I will purchase mass quantities of meth, ridding the streets of that drug, and retro-fit the meth back into simple, everyday Claritin with Sudafed.

Problem solved...

More later,


Mark