Saturday, February 25, 2006

Today is My Birthday!

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Yes, I made it to the big 4-6! That is a picture of a Gorn at the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek-themed Quark's restaurant, not me! Although some days I feel like I look that way... Tomorrow I'll put up a pic of our awesome view from our hotel. We used our Restaurant.com coupon and had an awesome meal at Quark's at the Las Vegas Hilton on the last night of my 45th year...

Hey: Elvis only made it to 42. I'm four years better than Elvis...

We are in Las Vegas and are really having the time of our lives. We've economized given current realities. But when you are offered a few nights – comped – in a suite at the Paris and $400 in spending money and your flight was just $403, a $3 trip to the land of fun is hard to beat!

I credit Bob Shaw for introducing me to Vegas way back in 1994. Since then, I have spent a few days in Sin City around my birthday every year! And Vegas rewards loyalty. Our Las Vegas/Harrah's friend, Steve Opdyke, has kept us in a suite at Bally's or the Paris for the past several years and we couldn't be happier. During my very first trip to Las Vegas, the very wise Chris Golbeck told me: "The thing about Vegas is that you can have whatever you want, as long as you are willing to ask for it."

So we ask, and we get. Today is part of the Cash Bash weekend at the Paris and after we bet for a couple hours at the Paris, they'll give us $400. And then we'll dine at the Ah Sin! restaurant – our favorite restaurant on the strip. We'll devour those cashew-encrusted crab legs. Later tonight, my choice for my annual birthday show is Roseanne Barr at the Stardust. And then, when we get back to the Paris, casino host Rudy will escort us to the balcony of the Risque night club for an unforgettable view and a nightcap.

A 46th birthday to remember, to be sure!

Thanks to all who have called or emailed! I am so glad to have so many friends that your calls have cut short my gambling! :) Thanks for thinking of me!

I am happiest that I have the best birthday present ever: Mary, my partner in crime. We plan on more adventures to come, so stay tuned!

More later,



Mark

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Dinner for two for $14!

There are few greater joys in life than scoring a great bargain. Today I am going to share how you can use the Internet to save real dollars on dining out – and demonstrate a cool interactive concept, to boot!

Studies tell us that Americans in growing numbers are doing their shopping and making other consumer choices online. I probably did 90-plus percent of my Christmas shopping on the Internet – for the past three years!

Now there are many sites set up to explain Internet shopping do's and don't's – and I will just add that you need to make sure you are dealing with a reputable organization that uses a secured server to protect your financial information. As much as I have switched to online shopping, I was a victim of identity theft – but only as a result of using my debit card while shopping at a local retailer the morning after Thanksgiving in 2004. So far, I've not run into any negative experiences online.

There are great bargains to be had online and many websites set up to alert you of these bargains. My favorite is www.slickdeals.net but there are others that serve a similar purpose. More importantly, there are several sites set up to monitor online coupons. Let me explain: Retailers often offer a coupon – usually a numeric code or a combination of letters and numbers - which can be added during the checkout process to increase savings. A site like:

Savings-Center.Com

is a great resource since it seems to feature an inexhaustible collection of "free coupons" from every conceivable retailer. One retailer is

Restaurant.Com

Now, Restaurant.com is a unique business marketing concept which features $25 gift certificates from thousands of restaurants to purchase for $10 each. After purchasing, you simply print the coupons on your home (or work!) printer. Usually, the certificate will require a purchase of two entrees and a minimum of $35. So, while you save $25 off $35 – you've spent $10 for a total savings of just $15. Now, that's not bad, but it's not great.

Enter Savings-Center.com! Search for Restaurant.com and you will discover coupon code 91971 which will save you 60 percent off your $10 restaurant.com certificate when you are checking out. So, you will now pay $4 for the $25 gift certificate and a savings off those two entrees totaling $35 is now $21! Sure, the taxes and tips normally associated with dining out still apply and drinks are not included in the coupon, but a couple of nice entrees at a quality restaurant for $7 each is a heckuva deal, bloggie.

Now, when Mary and I go the Las Vegas – as we do each February to celebrate our birthdays - we like to hit the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek-themed "Quark's" restaurant. There we enjoy a 110-ounce drink for two called the "Warp Core Breach" which is awesome! And it costs $25. Now, since Quarks has a gift certificate on Restaurant.com, we can have a couple of nice entrees for just $14 more!

Play around with your Zip Code or the Zip Code of a planned destination at Restaurant.com and you might be surprised at where you could be dining more cheaply tonight. Think of me when you are having a terrific time!

What's more, this concept is ripe for customization (or cannibalization) by traditional media like newspapers who already have standing relationships with many of the establishments on Restaurant.com. If you think about it, this is really just a gussied up buy-one-get-one-free entree deal that restaurants have traditionally offered to build traffic. However, with clickable maps and menus, Restaurant.com has put that age-old concept on steroids for a total user experience. Plus, because the user has invested $10 (or, if they listen to me, $4), they are more likely to use the certificate.

The Restaurant.com team took an old idea, added a twist, offered options to a motivated audience and created a sustainable revenue model that also builds invested restaurant traffic. And consumers are better for the experience.

More later,


Mark

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Call it 'Zintuitive!'

Here's a real WOW site! Get ready to have your socks blown off.

Not wearing socks? I'll wait for a moment while you put some on...

Ready? Go here:

Zillow.com


This is a new online real estate service that is unlike anything I've seen before, And it is as simple to use as it is amazing.

Plug in your home address - or the address of a home you are interested in buying. Hit return. You will likely be greeted with:

a.) A current satellite image of your home and the entire neighborhood.
b.) "Zestimates" of home values for all.

It is pretty cool, even if it is just in beta. The site claims that 60 million home values are online covering most of the in-demand areas of the U.S. You can even go in and adjust your particular home value with your upgrades. Redoing every bathroom in the house, installing all new kitchen appliances, the new furnace, the architectural shingles, et al suddenly seem like pretty smart investments, now.

There are a couple of bugs: The satellite map seemed off in our neighborhood and some parts of the country are not listed yet. But overall this is an impressive merge of existing data, new technology and untapped consumer needs.

You might even call it intuitive...

More later!


Mark

Monday, February 13, 2006

"Wow" is spelled D-E-L-L

Here's a shock from a old-time Mac guy: Dell Computers just WOWED me!

During this past holiday season, my friends at www.slickdeals.net alerted me to a cool contest: "The Dell End of Re-Gifting Holiday Game" at dell.com. Each day you could visit and pick a stocking for a chance to win anything from a 2005 Chrysler Crossfire Coupe to a discount on Dell products.

Now, like most of you, I am suspicious of such games. Who really has EVER won any of these prizes? Ever met anyone who has? Well, late one night, while playing the game during a Thanksgiving visit to Mary's mom, instead of the customary "Sorry!" message I read: "Congratulations! You have WON a X51v Axim from Dell. We will be sending you an email shortly to inform you of how to claim your prize."

They weren't lying. An email promptly arrived congratulating me. I was elated.

They sent the prizes out at the end of January and while I was happy to be a winner, frankly, I was a little underwhelmed. The Dell Axim 51 I received was NOT wireless-enabled and since I knew it would not sync up with my iBook G4, it's lack of wireless connectivity would make its use vexing to me. I couldn't sync it up to my laptop to add movies or, uh, important files, and I couldn't access the web with it, either...

Then, last week, I received this letter from Dell's Hillary Robinson:

"It has come to our attention that we mistakenly sent you the Axim X51, instead of the Axim X51v that you won in Dell’s “The End of Re-gifting Holiday Game." There are a few differences between the 2 models. The Axim X51 you received has the following features: 416MHz, 128MB ROM, 64 SDRAM, and a 3.5 inch QVGA screen. On the other hand, the Axim X51v includes: 624MHz, 256MB ROM, 64MB SDRAM, and a 3.7 inch QVGA screen."

"You may choose to keep the X51 that was sent, OR you may choose to return the X51 and receive the X51v. If you decide to return the X51, please contact Hillary Robinson ... prior to 2/17/06. We are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused and appreciate your patience in this matter. Once again, we wish to thank you for participating in the Dell Holiday Game."

I was completely stunned! I wrote back to Hillary: "I wish to make the exchange. Although I was excited to win, I was somewhat diappointed that this unit was not wifi-ready and I have been unable to find the appropriate wifi card on the market."

Her response:

"The Axim X51v that you will receive has wireless capabilities. You will receive an airbill to return the original Axim, but please keep the second battery that was sent with the original because it is interchangeable between the models."

And I responded:

"Thanks for the great news and, more importantly, thanks to Dell for being a stand-up company. I never would have looked a gift horse in the mouth and complained. So, knowing that you made the extra effort to contact me and make this offer actually means a lot more than the original win to me. This is why Dell enjoys such a good reputation for customer satisfaction. Please share this note with the appropriate supervisors to let them know that no matter what else happened today in Dell world, Dell made one customer very happy and that customer plans to share this experience with others!"

Which I am doing now...

What's even MORE amazing: The Dell Axim 51v arrived to me BEFORE the airbill return slip! It arrived while I was out of town and I plan to spend Monday setting it up.

I am beyond impressed with Dell. And I wanted to share the news and make a broader point: In today's business climate the ability to be a market leader almost entirely pertains to one's ability to exceed customer expectations.

It is no longer enough to meet expectations (if it ever was). It is not even enough to beat so-called "industry standards." You must "wow" to the point that a customer will share that excitement with his or her social network. This is now what is commonly referred to as "social marketing." It is one matter to use traditional marketing methodology to get a message out but successful market leaders of today will utilize social marketing networks to leverage branding to specific audiences thus generating more solid audience connections.

Said differently: Marketing IS customer service and customer service IS marketing!

More later!


Mark

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Who will be No. 2000?

Hey, all: I just noticed that the clicker on this page is nearing 2,000 hits! That's amazing! I remember how happy I was at 400!

Anyway, I am offering a small token of my appreciation for the 2000th visitor. It will be a VERY small token. Practically worthless. But very representative of how grateful I am that you stopped by to read whatever it is I might have to say.

Obviously, we're on a trust-based system here (although you Mac users can take a picture of your screen with shift-apple-3 and email that to me as proof). But if you visit and find you are lucky No. 2000, then email me at marksweetwood@aol.com and include your name, address and favorite cut of diamond (hint: that is just for my amusement ... you are NOT winning a diamond) and I'll have that special, small, prize out to you ASAP!

Thanks to all visitors! You are ALL winners.

More later,


Mark

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Cash, Bears, Bradley, Beers, Bears

These are a few of my favorite things...

Some quick hits as we bid farewell to the first twelfth of 2006:

Rosanne Cash (former beau of Nick Lowe; Lowe wrote "The Beast in Me" for her dad, Johnny) has released a new CD, "Black Cadillac," that is getting major play and positive reviews. AOL allowed users to play the entire collection over the weekend and I found it to be extremely enjoyable. It reminded me a bit of Lisa Marie Presley's first CD. You can check out the details on Cash's website here:

RosanneCash.com

Play the title cut from her CD, "Black Cadillac," here:

Black Cadillac

During his Sirius radio show the other day, Howard Stern recommended a documentary movie called "Grizzly Man." The movie recounts the travails of Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers in Alaska living among grizzly bears until one ate him and his girlfriend. Mary recalled the story from a Vanity Fare article.

I queued it up on the ol' Blockbuster account and "Grizzly Man" was here in a couple of days. It was quite a fascinating story, frankly. Treadwell videotaped the last five summers and snippets were incorporated into the documentary which featured interviews with friends and family about this rather flamboyant character. A strange moment: The attack on him at his camp was recorded by a camera with its lens on. The director chose to only show himself listening to what must have been a grisly grizzly attack rather than share audio excerpts.

Now, curiosity got the best of me: I didn't necessarily want to listen to him scream as he was mauled and eaten alive. I was interested in whether he recanted his love for wild, dangerous bears during the attack, however...

This is NOT a movie for Steven Colbert. Read more about it here:

GrizzlyManMovie.com

Watch an eerily prescient excerpt from "The Simpsons" about bear attacks here:

Ranger Ned

Like me, Treadwell was a Bradley University product, by the way. He arrived on a swimming scholarship under his given name, Timothy Drexler but quit in 1977 after an injury. I arrived in 1978 under NO scholarship. His experience drove him to bears; my experience drove me to beers. He probably drove a Lincoln; I definitely had a professor named Kennedy. The parallels are interesting...

Finally, what to make of the Super Bowl? I gotta go with the team that seems to have the most momentum, better defense and is lead by a coach who has actually won a Super Bowl: The Seattle Seahawks. I never thought I'd ever write that sentence. Go with the Seahawks over the Pittsburgh Steelers in an interesting game that ends 34-24.

Interesting game ... But nothing like the best Super Bowl of all time: XX! Relive those amazing Super Bowl Bears (the good, non-human-eating variety of Bears although you couldn't convince Steve Grogan of that) over at Answers.com:

The Shufflin' Crew


More later,


Mark

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Random Thoughts

A few bullet points during a time out from many projects (job search, books, playoff watching, surfing ... in no particular order). In other words, some things I think I think...

• Target has had an interesting advertising concept on aol.com. For several weeks there was a clickable ad that read: "No Paper? No Problem." When you clicked the banner, you found a web version of their Sunday insert.

Now, I just think that is kind of a snarky ad, from the newspaper industry's point of view. I am a BIG fan of Target, don't get me wrong. But I guess I don't understand the need to bite the hand that has sent potential consumers your way for so many years. It IS a big problem if you are not reading a newspaper! (Or, at least, that is the industry view.) It is almost as big of a problem if you aren't shopping at Target! And you can bet if newspapers began a campaign "Hate Target? Shop Local!" campaign for the mom & pop's out there, the red-and-white retailer would feel diminished.

I guess I would see it differently if Target had paid to have that ad each Sunday on the website of every newspaper that carried its inserts. Anyway, as it turns out, it's a moot point. The new clickable Target ad today:

"See the EXTRA in-store deals not found in the printed weekly ad."

Gee, a NEW way to diminish newspapers... Odd.

Check Out The Target Ad

• New ideas from iTunes.

My interest in the iTunes phenomenon is shared by many judging by the posts and the email. Just for fun, here are my current music suggestions from iTunes, based on my, ah, unique listening habits:

SONGS
Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
Kuuipo Onaona - Pua Almeida
Carnival - Natalie Merchant
(You Don't Know) How Glad I Am - Nancy Wilson
Helena - My Chemical Romance
Sex and Candy - Marcy Playground
Cool - Lou Busch & His Orchestra
Gold Digger (featuring Jamie Foxx) - Kanye West
La Nave del Olvido - Jose Jose y Oquesta
Feels Like the First Time - Foreigner
100 Years - Five for Fighting
I Miss You (Alternate Take 1) - Elvis Presley
White Flag - Dido
Mr. Tambourine Man - The Byrds
The Blob - Aqualads

ALBUMS
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Greatest Hits - Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Piper at the Gates of Dawn - Pink Floyd
Goats Head Soup - Rolling Stones
Kerplunk - Green Day
The Very Best of Cream - Cream
Violent Femmes: Deluxe Edition - Violent Femmes

Another interesting selection of songs - though I believe Shaun Colvin, Natalie Merchant and Dido are all the same person. "The Blob" song sounds cool as did "Sex and Candy." On one hand - Foreigner and The Byrds. On the other - Kanye West and My Chemical Romance. I am nothing if not a man of diverse interests...

• Super Bowl XL

It's just me talking, but I think the Seattle Seahawks vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers matchup is gonna make a rockin' Super Bowl. I also think that after what Seattle did to shut down Carolina Panthers' star Steve Smith, Chicago Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera looks a little less than either a genius or head-coach material.

• Waikiki Tease

No, this is not a song - although it could be. Hmmm... I think I could riff on that for a bit...

I know what you're saying
That you're trying so hard to please.
Trying to make amends.
Trying to appease.
But each night when it's dark I'm lonely again
My Waikiki Tease.

© 2006 MMS Productions

OK, it took me longer to find that copyright symbol than it did to write those stirring lyrics. Can anyone set them to music? Where was I? Oh, the drink. Friday night I surfed the web for a new rum drink and came across the "Waikiki Tease." Here's the scoop:

Ingredients
1 oz. Dark Rum
3 oz. Orange Juice
2 oz. Pineapple Juice
Pour all ingredients over ice in a glass. Stir.

Now, I just tripled all the ingredients and did that three times and came up with the pitcher version (27 oz. of orange juice, 18 oz. of pineapple juice and 12 oz. of rum). Purists and mathematicians will point out that the rum did not increase in exact proportion. These folks know nothing of the power of rum!

Because I like to experiment, I used the new Dole pineapple-mango juice. And for a third of the rum, I substituted coconut rum. It's a winning combination!

You know what goes with a good party drink? Good party music! What's better than Green Day at a party? I have no idea... Direct from their very own website:

Green Day!


More later!



Mark

Monday, January 16, 2006

Just Wait 'Til Next Year!

Knowing of my great love for the Chicago Bears, a few folks have asked why I have not blogged more about them during this season of miracles.

I'm not sure why, to be honest. I thought this was a fun season - despite its sloppy end on Sunday. I guess in the back of my mind, I have been wondering whether the 2005 Bears were more like the 1984 Bears or the 1985 Bears. I think I got my answer. And as disappointed as I was with the loss to the Carolina Panthers, I think that bodes well for next year.

At least when we say "Just wait 'til next year!" it actually means something this year...

As in 1984, because the season ended with a playoff loss, I was left with the feeling that the team had finally congealed into something pretty special. I think the defense was very good and could approach greatness next year. I think the offense found a special leader with Rex Grossman (and I was particularly proud of his post-game comments and leadership vs. Peyton Manning who acted like a petulant child) and a great running back with Thomas Jones. The offensive line is one or two players away from being in the top echelon of the NFL.

That said, many of their weaknesses which they need to improve on to attain the next level were exposed Sunday. The short list:

• Coaching experience. Lovie Smith can dismiss all of the obvious coaching miscues in the game, but they were evident to even the casual observer. The game plan was skewed (run the ball, damn it!) offensive plays were coming in too slowly and the right adjustments were not being made. On the defensive side, I think Ron Rivera's coaching inexperience at the playoff level was exposed: Substitutions were awkward, people seemed to be out of place and the last two Panther touchdowns were thrown to players who were not covered. Rivera might be touted as the next great head coach in some circles, but I think he's a year or two away.

• I'd bring in some competition for punter Brad Maynard during camp this summer. Surprisingly, special teams overall Sunday graded out a "D" in my book.

• My sense is that Muhsin Muhammad is never going to make me forget about Willie Gault or even Tom Waddle. He seems to lack both speed AND heart - though he does have a mouth. He was quite vocal about quarterback Kyle Orton's game but has yet to explain the drops after Rex stepped back in as the starter. The Bears need another blazing wideout (or two) to complement Bernard Berrian who seems to be coming into his own.

• The Bears defensive secondary ended the season beat up and beat out. Of the cornerbacks, Jerry Azumah was hurt too much and Charles "Peanut" Tillman's play was increasingly erratic. On the safety side of the ball, Mike Brown was clearly injured worse than the Bears let on and Mike Green is just not very good. In the Panthers game, the Bears were apparently forced to pull a fan out of the stands named Chris Thompson to stumble onto the field and allow Steve Smith to score untouched. They need some muscle here and the emergence of Nathan Vasher is a plus - but not enough. A good area to focus on in the free agent market?

• I would still like to see the Bears employ a quality tight end.

• Draft and free-agent focus? If the Bears were to draft a guard or tackle early and spend lots more free agent money on the offensive line, I would not complain.

OK, I'll stop now before this "short list" gets too long. It was a fun ride this season with hints of greatness to come. The Bears gave fans more than we expected (especially after the 1-3 start) and showed a lot of grit and character. It was actually fun to be a Bears fan again. Plus, any year that we beat those miserable Packers twice is almost equal to a Super Bowl year for me...

Want a song to cheer you up today? Go here and turn up your speakers:

Bear Down!

More later!



Mark

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Today's Word...

Today's media buzzword: Intuitive.

It is what separates the men from the boys, or, in terms of media, the dinosaurs from the techno-revolutionaries of tomorrow.

Today's media audiences expect whatever media they are accessing at the moment to be intuitive; to be in tune with their wants and needs; to anticipate their wants and needs; to redefine their wants and needs and to exceed their expectations.

Which naturally leads us to today's tip: Big props if you can bring the "Wow!" factor. Then redefine the "Wow!" factor. Then bring it again.

Many newspapers, reluctant to seek innovations, are struggling with that concept as are broadcast television and radio operations. Yesterday's "relevance" has been supplanted by tomorrow's intuitiveness. Hence the customization featured in "new media" - i.e. the Internet and digital television (a channel for every specific taste) and, now, satellite radio - has led to new, expanding, evolving mediums leaving some old standbys struggling to maintain audience share.

This has lead to concern over the very future of some traditional mediums. In newspaperdom, for example, there is a industry-wide debate over the balancing act between the need to invest resources for further customization (i.e. notions like "tailored" newspapers, improved online experiences, zoning and advertiser-desired zip-code-specific delivery) and pressures to cut expenses to balance decreasing revenue, which has lead to profit margins lower than expected in the board room. At the very point in time that newspapers need to be more intuitive, some companies are choosing to go another direction. Witness, for example, staff cuts at large newspapers from New York to Philadelphia to Chicago. Smaller, independent and family-owned companies have had a better go of it, but this debate is occurring at all levels. Progressive companies are choosing the correct path; to sow so they shall reap.

A good example of an intuitive medium: I have been having way too much fun playing with iTunes lately. When I popped into the iTunes store the other day, I discovered a new "beta" feature called "Just For You." Inside, I found some music that iTunes had decided I might be interested in based on my downloads. Keep in mind, I mostly have downloaded Elvis songs and episodes of "The Office." Actually, that's not quite true: I have over 150 downloads in my collection. However, I was stunned to discover these 15 suggestions. See what you can glean from my listening tastes based on this list:

1.) Easy Loving - Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn
2.) Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
3.) Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
4.) Only Wanna Be With You - Hootie and the Blowfish
5.) Rock 'n Roll, Part 2 - Gary Glitter
6.) Voodoo Child - Jimi Hendrix
7.) Every Morning - Sugar Ray
8.) Still Waiting -Sum 41
9.) School Boy Heart - Jimmy Buffett
10.) There It Go! - Juelz Santana
11.) Lonely No More - Rob Thomas
12.) Love Will Find A Way - Pablo Cruise
13.) Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan
14.) Heaven - The Psychedelic Furs
15.) Armageddon - Eddie Izzard

In addition, iTunes suggested I download these six albums:

1.) Blink-182 - Greatest Hits
2.) Who's Next - The Who
3.) London Calling - The Clash
4.) Pocket Full of Kryptonite - Spin Doctors
5.) Let Go - Avril Lavigne
6.) Songs About Jane - Maroon 5

I'm not sure what to make of either list (other than, perhaps, I've given iTunes the gross misperception that I will listen to any damned thing!). What do you think?

From that list of individual songs, I have only previously downloaded Jimi Hendrix, Sum 41, Jimmy Buffett and Bob Dylan tunes. Not a lot of Conway, Pablo and Eddie in my collection... Hootie? Come on! I'm insulted. Gary Glitter? I think I am a bit old for him...

But it was a fun discovery and I spent more time perusing this list and sampling the songs than I did with the morning newspaper and, I guess, that is my ultimate point. And the ultimate point of this new media age.

Just be intuitive!

Me? I'm downloading more Juelz Santana... Turns out, I'm totally east coast... And, clearly, as jiggy as I have always maintained...

Hey, speaking of tunes, allow me to play DJ for you on this fine afternoon and spin a platter that truly matters! Straight from his home page at nicklowe.net here's my man Nick Lowe and his take on the Johnny River classic, "The Poor Side of Town." Enjoy!

The Poor Side of Town

More later,


Mark

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Mining the Truth

I was awake at about midnight Tuesday writing my next blog (not this one) when I encountered CNN's Anderson Cooper touting the miraculous news.

Twelve of 13 miners trapped nearly 2 miles beneath the West Virginia surface for nearly two days after a mine explosion were alive!

For most of the day we had been lead to believe the news from the coal mine would be grim. The air was bad. One miner had been found dead. Then the mine car the men had used was discovered empty - an indication the men had survived a blast and had fled to a more secure area.

Then the bells at the Sago Baptist Church began to toll as word filtered from the command center at the mine that the remaining 12 men had been found alive!

For the next two hours, I was absorbed as reporters scrambled to cover the change in the course of events. Reportedly, the miners were to undergo triaged medical care and those who were in the best shape would be brought to the church to be reunited with their families.

At about 2 a.m., an agitated woman come up to Cooper to tell him "there's no miracle."

He looked stunned. And compelling television began to unfold.

I felt so bad for the poor families involved. To endure such a tragic roller-coaster ride of emotion is impossible to fathom. There appears to have been a 2- to 3-hour delay between the time the command center received the erroneous information that the remaining 12 miners were alive and the time that mine owner International Coal Group gave the correct information to grieving families: Just one miner had survived.

Why the delay? Did they not hear the bells tolling? Were they not aware of the cable news broadcasts? Were they unaware that everyone from the state's governor to a mine foreman had confirmed the news for the various media covering the story? Did they realize a Red Cross official had confirmed the rumors at the church where friends and families awaited? The mine company ultimately admitted it knew within 20-45 minutes that the first report was wrong. Why was that fact not as zealously transferred as the erroneous news?

I have a theory, honed after years of watching business leaders, politicians and other officials repeatedly bumble and stumble in the face of disaster and big news stories. This was a horrible situation made worse by the mine owner's naive, unfortunate (though understandably intentioned) decision to sequester the media away from both the command center and the church, where families were stationed. International Coal Group attempted to control the flow of information ostensibly to avoid either unnecessarily raising spirits or quashing hopes - unaware that to attempt this in an instant communications age is as problematic as catching smoke with boxing gloves. Hence, while someone at the command center may very well have overheard the original erroneous news and transmitted it back to the church via cell phone, the media was unable to check it out because its access was being blocked at two sensitive points. Conversely, members of the media were also unable to inform the command center of the obvious joy being transmitted to the rest of the world.

By all accounts, the mine rescue command center was filled with mine administrators, foremen, politicians, emergency workers, police representatives and the like. A press representative pooled from the many media covering this story should have been there as well. This person could have reported the miscommunication quickly and spared the families some of the heart-wrenching drama by reporting news in minutes, not hours.

Instead, late Wednesday afternoon it was revealed that mine officials had entrusted state police officers to ferry a message to the clergy at the church during the celebration to inform families that initial reports may have been too optimistic. That message was muddled.

Dumb. Just plain dumb. The area was crawling with communication professionals.

How many times do we have to watch clumsy officials, overly suspicious of the media, demonstrate they are far less media-savvy than they will ever comprehend? They pay big bucks to "press aides," read books on how to "deal" with the media, go to seminars on "spinning", yet they stumble repeatedly in the face of the big story because these officials spend too much time scheming to leave the media out instead of inviting the media in. The media are not the enemy. The media are the people. Never has this been more painfully evident than in the early hours of Wednesday morning as broken-hearted family members trudged out of the Sago Baptist Church to spill their hearts to American journalists.

In the end, mine officials could no more control this story than they could control the atmosphere in a dusty coal mine during a thunderstorm.

More later,


Mark

Monday, January 02, 2006

46 Resolutions

Gee, another year? Already? But 2005 was so darned much fun...

I guess that means it is time for another batch of resolutions. Since I am turning 46 this year, I figure 46 resolutions will do. I, Mark M. Sweetwood, being of relatively sound mind, hereby resolve to:

• Become gainfully employed again.

• Win the lottery, anyway.

• Keep defying the odds. In other words, business as usual.

• Surprise those who should not be surprised.

• Shock those who should not be shocked.

• Dare those who would not be dared.

• Finally realize my "memoirs" in current form really could be reduced to a mere half-hour episode of "The Office."

• Forgive more.

• Forget less.

• Maintain the high road.

• Watch for those on the low road.

• Look down on those on the low road from my perch on the high road thus ruining an otherwise perfectly good metaphor.

• Update my blog more often.

• Finish my book.

• Finish that other book.

• And that screenplay.

• Figure out a better name for my screenplay than "SuperNewspaperMediaMan."

• Change that one part in my screenplay where "SuperNewspaperMediaMan" kisses "Janey Mary" while upside down in the rain in the alley.

• Lose weight.

• Get botox.

• Get hair plugs.

• Cap my teeth.

• Work out.

• Relive my 30's.

• Laugh more.

• Cry less.

• Spend less.

• Save more.

• Downsize my world.

• Upsize my generosity.

• Do my part for peace.

• Cherish my friends.

• Vanquish my enemies.

• Vanquish my false friends.

• Cherish new enemies.

• Encourage all to read the good works of James Thurber, Homer Hickam and John Grisham.

• Emulate the good works of James Thurber, Homer Hickam and John Grisham.

• Ride that ticket to stardom with my hit series about a comical lawyer who represents miners.

• Speak out more.

• Launch my podcast.

• Help others understand new media.

• Procrastinate less.

• Procrastinate less.

• Be less repetitive.

• Be a better husband, friend, son and brother.

• Avoid travel to Florida during hurricane season.

I'll keep ya posted on my progress throughout the year...

More later!


Mark

Saturday, December 24, 2005

A Message of Peace

Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Merry Kwanza!

And peace and good will to all!

As I reflect this year about world and the concept of peace, I wonder what Jesus of Nazareth would think of 2005 AD? Perhaps the Jesus of Cool, Nick Lowe, framed the question best in a song made famous by his good friend Elvis Costello...

Peace, Love and Understanding


(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding

As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin’ for light in the darkness of insanity.

I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?

And each time I feel like this inside,
There’s one thing I wanna know:
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

And as I walked on
Through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?

So where are the strong?
And who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony?
Sweet harmony.

’cause each time I feel it slippin’ away, just makes me wanna cry.
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding? ohhhh
What’s so funny ’bout peace love & understanding?


That's a heckuva Christmas Carol, if you ask me. If there is anything at all funny about the notion of peace, love and understanding, I've long forgotten the joke. I know I haven't done my share to advance enough of any of it. How about you? Need a good resolution for 2006?

Mary and I hope you and yours have the best holiday ever. Love, laugh, share and hope. And eat, especially if you are Italian or related to an Italian or visiting an Italian. I have the best of all worlds.

And here's to a much better world in 2006!

More later,


Mark

Monday, November 28, 2005

A New Diversion

As our eight-day, five-state voyage rolled into Canton, Ohio, on Sunday, we had but two priorities:

1.) Watch the Chicago Bears at Damon's preferably while munching ribs and playing NTN.Com's QB1.

2.) Visit the Pro Football Hall of Fame to pay reverent homage to the great Bears enshrined within.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usPayton At The Hall

Actually, looking at the entire odyssey, there were just two MUST objectives, in addition to all of the visiting: The now-documented pilgrimage to the Thurber House in Columbus, Ohio, on the way to New York and the Damon's excursion on the return.

We arrived Sunday at 11:30 a.m. EST in Canton at our first destination, the downtown Marriott McKinley Grand Hotel, where we had Pricelined a room for $50. Now, I was originally not happy with Priceline.com because I was seeking one of the 2 or 2-and-a-half star hotels nearer the Hall of Fame and Damon's but was greeted with the "good news" that my bid was "upgraded" to a 3-star venue.

Uhm, but I didn't want to be downtown, I wanted to be near my destination, I complained when I called Priceline. A guy there uttered that he had never had anyone complain about an upgrade before. Priceline deals are final he said as he essentially hung up on me to laugh with his coworkers about this nut who got a $129 room for $50 AND called to bitch...

We settled into our room and at about noon - with an hour to spare before kickoff. I called over to Damon's to make sure they were getting the Bears-Buccaneers game. I was a little surprised that the phone rang at the other end so long... 11...12...13...

"Good, uhm, morning. Damon's," a voice said from the other end, clearly unaware it was no longer morning.

"Hi, can you give me directions? We're downtown at the Marriott and we're coming over to watch the Bears game."

"Uhm, yeah, well, sorry but we are closed. We had a water pump break and we won't be able to open."

Now, of course, I am waiting for the joke to end. I mean, pro football fans and rib-lovers arrive by the busloads to Damon's and I am sure this is just a funny joke the manager tells every time he answers the phone...

I wait another beat.

Seriously, after the mess at the Thurber House, what are the odds that we could pick two places on a map that would have completely independent crises upon our arrival?

"You ARE kidding, right?"

"Uhm, no, sorry. There is no way we can open today. There are some other sports bars near us if you would like I could give you some directions..."

Other? Please...

So, I bid the submerging manager farewell and called the Marriott front desk. They assured me they had a sports bar and it was named, appropriately, "Thorpe's Lounge."

That was good enough for us. We headed downstairs to find a nice bar with one older, roughly 40-inch television and we commandeered the corner closest to the TV. We were the only patrons and the FOX pre-game show was under way and they were gushing about the Bears season so far (although lame Frank Caliendo picked the Bucs to win).

"Now, you are going to have to let us switch over to check on Cleveland once in a while," warned the bartender. "You're in Browns country."

I was in my Urlacher jersey. I just sneered at her: "We'll see. Right now, only Bears fans are here."

It turned out to be a delightful afternoon. The Marriott ribs were tasty. We had great seats and the run of the joint. No one asked to see the Browns after the Vikings began waxing the floor with them. Brother Eric called to share his excitement during as the Bears took the lead. I called and jeered my Florida parents who, sadly, converted from respectable Bears fans to Buccaneer backers when they headed south full-time in 1998. It is the shame of the family.

After the Bears' first touchdown, I called them and feigned confusion as if I was still traveling on the road...

"Any update on the game?" My Dad was not amused and suggested, instead, I make sure I view Carnell "Cadillac" Williams' shoes when I visit the hall the following day. I shot a picture of them (put on display after he broke the single-game rookie rushing record earlier this season) with my cell phone and emailed him just to prove I was a good sport. That was the only Buccaneer artifact in the hall, as far as I could tell.

We spent a few hours at the hall Monday and left Canton elated at our experiences. The Marriott staff was wonderful, the bar was terrific, the room was great and the hall is such a treat for football fanatics. I could watch those old NFL films all day. We grabbed some souvenirs and then headed toward the open turnpike.

Next stop: Home!

More later,


Mark

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Our Annual Corning Visit

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Corning, N.Y. always is a special place for Mary and I to visit.

She was born here in 19.. ... uhm ... many years ago! She has fond memories of her first 30 years in upstate New York including her collegiate career at Syracuse University. I first came to this town in 1988 as an eager news editor of a family owned, six-day, mostly P.M. newspaper. I left four years later as a hardened managing editor of a fully paginated, seven-day A.M. newspaper staffed by an incredible crew which took on an invading Gannett newspaper and stared the empire down.

The Leader is still the Corning newspaper though it has changed hands a few times and is now a corporate-owned product bereft of much personality - as well as staff-written news. The Star-Gazette of Elmira may have lost the battle way back then, but they appear to be winning the war now. That kinda hurts...

Mary's mom, Grace, is as delightful as always. We have a running battle about which channel is worst: QVC vs. Home Shopping Club. I maintain HSN is the best and we flip back and forth between channels extolling the virtues of whatever crap is on the screen to ridiculous heights. She is an extraordinary cook - it is clear where Mary gets her skills and love of cooking - and she is continually following us about with tantalizing food. I caught something of a cold earlier this week and on Friday night she made the most wonderful tortellini soup with leftover turkey.

I was told it was a turkey. It may have been a 11.5-pound rooster.

When not eating or coughing, we have been visiting. On Tuesday night, we visited the home of Mary's best friend from Corning Darcy, her husband Dave and their three great kids Rob, Mike and Jonathon. They are always great to visit and the reunion of Mary's mom with Darcy's dog Spot always sparks a funny memory.

When Spot was just a puppy, some nine years ago, Darcy and family visited Mary's mom. Knowing the dog would not be allowed inside the house, Dave had attached its leash to the first thing that caught his eye.

After a short visit, they all headed outside and Grace decided to open the garage door with the remote from inside the house. Arriving outside, they discovered the poor puppy swinging from its leash with Dave desperately trying to hold him higher and higher as the door raised so that Spot wouldn't choke!

Dave had attached poor, unsuspecting Spot to the garage door handle.

Spot was uninjured, but we always theorize he's just waiting for his chance to get even...

Wednesday we walked the length of downtown Market Street, now marketed as the Gaffer District. It always amazes us how you can tell the current state of this company town by the relative health of Market Street during our annual visits. Alas, there were about a dozen empty storefronts and a couple of stores en route to closing. Still, we love the street and the local atmosphere and I rank the Market Street Brewing Co. as one of my all-time favorite brew pubs - and I've been to a few from coast to coast.

Wednesday night we spent with our old friends Neil and Linda Hopp at the home of their daughter, Kelly, and husband, Todd. Neil first hired me in 1988 and I returned the favor and hired him to help take the Northwest Herald to new levels of greatness in 1996. Today, Neil is student media director at Central Michigan University hence we probably spent far too much time boring everyone discussing the current state of the media. He brings a great perspective in his role of challenging young minds.

Neil is just one of my all-time favorite people; one of those people you meet and instantly know he's authentic and classy and intelligent. He's that odd combination of mentor and friend. It was so good to see all of them again.

We gobbled down way too much turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, etc. on Thursday. Of course, dinner was followed by three - THREE! - pies. Yes, we each got our own pie... Our annual trip to see wonderful relatives in Pennsylvania was postponed by some freakishly ugly winter weather, Grace's ending and my emerging colds and the fact that three people each had his/her own pie.

This was also the first year that I didn't coerce everyone to head out to the stores before 5 a.m. mostly because of the above reasons, but also because Mary and I are already done with our Christmas shopping. We've made our lists and checked them twice, so be good for goodness sakes! You know who you are!

Saturday will feature another check on Market Street and a visit to Mary's godmother's house for dinner. It is an annual post-Thanksgiving feast of uber-gigantic proportions...

Sunday's stop: Canton, Ohio.

More later,


Mark

Monday, November 21, 2005

Our Tour and Good Times

An update to yesterday's post: Chuck the maintenance guy for the Jefferson Center, which manages the Thurber House and neighboring properties, is a terrific tour guide. He met us again at the Thurber House at 4:15 p.m. EST - shortly after my brother called to confirm the Chicago Bear's commanding victory over the Carolina Panthers.

Go Bears!

Chuck took the time to make our tour special and I was as much impressed with his generosity as I was with the Thurber facilities. The restored Victorian was reopened to the public in 1984 and was redecorated with the help of James' younger brother Robert as well as a Sears Roebuck catalog from 1913 to demonstrate the typical middle-class furnishings from that period. The piano in the parlor had a music sheet from one of James' favorite songs, "Bye, Bye Blackbird," which I noticed immediately. It was a nice touch.

One upstairs room is now a museum of Thurber mementos including pictures and letters as well as examples of his elegantly simple, gracefully funny cartoons. I was also impressed with a collection of his books translated into the many languages of the world. That James Thurber's body of work is so regarded worldwide is especially impressive when you step into his old, sparse bedroom with its second-floor view of Columbus and an approximation of the world as he knew it way back then.

The refurbished Thurber House is a fine tribute to the man and his family, and the Thurber Center next door is impressive as well. Both, though, seem to call out for more utilization. The gift shop had some nice goodies (we spent $60+) but, frankly, my collection of James Thurber books at home is more in-depth. I was hoping to buy a new copy of my favorite book, "Thurber Country," to no avail.

When you rely on volunteers to run the house who both forget to lock when they leave one day and forget to show up the next, that's a clue that other problems are in play. Though it was less than a mile from the hotel, the desk staff at the Renaissance seemingly had not heard of the Thurber House and it was not listed in the in-room guide to area activities (though the staff did look up the home and print out directions for us). The bell captain volunteered he did live on Thurber Street, however.

The Thurber House neighborhood reflects the inner city challenges that many other communities the size of Columbus face. However, the Jefferson Center concept of taking a historic neighborhood, refurbishing the homes and then opening doors to non-profit groups is both novel and spectacular.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience - and yielded new stories for me to tell for ages. That's what a literary hero's home should do for those who visit. My thanks to Chuck for the tour - and everyone responsible for establishing this wonderful landmark. My hope for the Thurber House is a revitalized presence in Columbus - and beyond!

Next stop: Corning, N.Y.

More later,


Mark

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Alarms and Diversions: A Visit to the Thurber House

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(In which the would-be author visits the home of his literary hero only to be confronted by chaos, confusion and comedic results.)

We are currently at the Renaissance in Columbus, Ohio awaiting a private tour of the James Thurber House. Of course, this was all the result of a curious and chaotic course of events that I will blog now that my computer is fixed...

Needless to say, the police were involved.

Over the river and through the woods to Mary's mother's house in upstate New York we're going (for Thanksgiving!). I know the way to ferry the, er, Chevy Cavalier through the bright and, uhm, open roads. Oh!

Once you start one of those songs it can be hard to make reality fit...

We departed Crystal Lake at 5:28 a.m. with two destinations in mind: The Columbus Renaissance Hotel and the James Thurber House at 77 Jefferson Street, the boyhood home of my literary hero. This was to be the culmination of a life-long dream I've had since the home opened in 1984.

We were at the hotel by 1 p.m. EST and to Thurber's house by 1:35 p.m.

Now, I had traded emails with Marlaine from the Thurber House earlier in the week who assured me: "Sundays are a good day to visit since we have tour guides available."

In addition, she told me: "Safely assume we're open unless I email you again."

She didn't. Hence, we were all goose-pimply with anticipation upon our arrival. We parked right in front of 77 Jefferson St. because the parking lot was locked shut. That should have been an omen. A cynic would have already begun to panic.

Us? We took up the offer on the front door sign and walked right in...

Nice foyer. Now, at first, we mistook the loud alarm as some sort of signal to someone, maybe an employee in the back, that guests had arrived. Then we heard a robotic voice warn us to "Exit the building immediately. The police have been notified."

Not quite the welcome we had been promised... Confused, we exited back to the front porch. Why would the door at this national landmark (a plaque assures us it is a landmark right there on the front porch) be unlocked if the house was closed? Why would the house be closed when a sign clearly says it is open Sunday? Why would I be emailed that the house was open to visitors only to be rudely threatened with arrest? Was this not an alarm but, perhaps, the voice of the infamous ghost from "My Life and Hard Times"?

"The DAY the Ghost Got In" perhaps!

Our minds whirled. That whirling coincided with the arrival of the first set of officers in a police van. The alarm had stopped, apparently convinced of our retreat, only to be started up again when the officers entered. By then, two more visitors arrived, convinced, too, by Thurber House employees, that volunteers would be running tours from 1-4 p.m. They were locals and could easily reschedule. We had driven 413 miles and I had Griswolded this stop into an unbreakable schedule calling for our departure at 6 a.m. the following morning, some seven hours before the house would allegedly be open again.

A squad car now joined the police van at the scene, alerted by the new set of alarms set off by the first set of officers. I am convinced Jefferson Street had not seen so much commotion since "The Day the Dam Broke." Certainly, it had not seen so much confusion.

The new officer joined his fellow officers inside. Mary and I amused ourselves by taking a set of pictures that appear to show me stealing Thurber's pumpkins. For that, I received a Thurber sliver from Thurber's porch. I was about to turn a little surely...

"That's a great house. I have never been in Thurber's house before," one of the officers said as he exited. The officers declined to have their pictures taken. "Nothing good ever comes out of having our pictures taken," another officer said, smiling. They DID contact the alarm company and "Jeff" was either going to show up to disable the alarm or call Thurber House employees to alert them that the door was unlocked and visitors, now numbering four, were threatening to get unruly. Or, at least, threatening to take a pumpkin home as a souvenir.

Within 20 minutes, Chuck arrived. He is in charge of maintenance for the Jefferson Center which oversees the Thurber House property. He let the four of us in, disabled the alarm, apologized for the missing volunteers, but explained his mother was stuck outside in his car. We agreed he'd call us at 4 p.m. back at the Renaissance and arrange the full-private-tour treatment!

Optimistically speaking, the worst we can expect are "More Alarms at Night."

More later,


Mark

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Indian Summer Reading Club

Summer may be over but that doesn't mean Mark's Reading Club has to end!

Get ready to be amazed at the power of the Internet, be reunited with old TV friends, mock elected leaders and laugh until your sides ache. Can I back that up? Check these out:

• I would like to see cubicles decorated a little bit differently begining tomorrow. All you need is a picture of your favorite person - politician, corporate leader, relative - on your desk top and then you can make an actual Old West wanted poster of him or/and her. Give it a try! Make a Wanted Poster of Anyone!

• Maybe you have one of those refrigerator magnet sets at home with all different words that allows you to make up goofy sentences. Well, here is the Internet version featuring the speeches of the guy NOT very high on my list these days: President Bush! George Bush Build-A-Speech

• Here's a new addictive site to keep you busy until the wee hours of the morning: TVObscurities.Com. Sure, there are loads of websites devoted to good shows that lasted seasons and seasons - but where are the sites devoted to short-lived shows like "It's About Time" or "The Girl From Uncle?" Did you even remember the "Ferris Bueller" spin-off? Go here: TV Obscurities

Here is a great site with a title that says it all: FreeDrinkRecipes.Com! FreeDrinkRecipes.Com

Ever wonder what's on TV right now in different countries? Well, wonder no more! This portal features links to tons of TV offerings from all over the world. We truly do live in a global information age...Thank you, Al Gore! TV4All Portal

If you had fun making that wanted poster, you'll love this. Have you seen those puzzles which are pictures of one image made up of tiny images (like a giant Elvis face made up of smaller images of Elvis)? Well, the geniuses at Vizog.com are now allowing you to make a mosaic collage out of any picture on your desk top by using a google.com image search.Make your favorite picture a collage using Google!

Mary found this one in a magazine: Are you tired of getting your knees bashed when the moron in the seat ahead of you on an airplane pushes his/her seat back? Well, those days are DONE thanks to this handy device that no traveler should leave behind. KneeDefender.com

I love the dry humor found in the old National Lampoon magazines, some of James Thurber's early work or those classic Monty Python or Saturday Night Live sketches. I have a rule of thumb on SNL: I only like the comedy from the era before any of the current cast was born. But that's just me. Well, if you like your humor dry, like your martini, then McSweeney.Net is for you. If you don't get it, it's OK. There's a reason SNL is still on at 10:30 p.m. on Saturdays: The death of humor. McSweeney.Net

No one needs MORE acrimony in his/her lives... Well, that's not true. We all love a good fight, as long as it involves someone else; preferably someone we don't know. Here's a site dedicated to one man's ongoing narrative about the many, many things that he and his girlfriend have fought about. Apparently, there's no Dr. Phil overseas... Did you see that picture this week of the python that tried to swallow the alligator? It's a lot like that... Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About

Finally, the funniest film I have seen on the net since "Tom Cruise Kills Oprah." View this at work, if you still only have dial up at home. Someone decided to have some fun and re-edit the movie trailer for "The Shining" to make it seem like an entirely different movie. This is OUTSTANDING! The Shining trailer redited to look like a different movie

Enjoy!

More later!


Mark

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

How I Spent My Summer Sabbatical

How I Spent My Summer Sabbatical

By Mark Sweetwood

I spent my summer sabbatical, or at least a portion of it, with my wife at Buffalo Wild Wings in Algonquin.

There, we watched the Cubs, enjoyed Bud Lite and fell in love. No, not with each other (we're already there) but with the NTN Network. Eventually, we learned that we could bring our laptops with us and plug into the wireless network for free!

In fact, it is from Buffalo Wild Wings that I write this.

NTN is the maker of those trivia games that you can play with a controller while questions pop up on a television screen. We decided to keep our brains active by showing up a couple of days a week for some vigorous brain exercising - along with beers, Cubs and wireless fun. The wonderful and talented Kelly became our friend and her psychic bartending abilities kept us refreshed. She was powerless with the Cubs situation as were we all.

Our self-made goal of each NTN round of Countdown or Wipe Out! was threefold: 1.) We had to earn the Player's Plus bonus; 2.) We had to score in five figures and 3.) We had to win (not that I am competitive or anything). More often than not, we achieved our goals! We eventually invited my parents and other friends top join us for fun. Most came away agreeing that our lifestyle had become uncontrollably decadent and that they could not keep up with us in trivia.

Fridays were always special because that was the day the crane game is filled at BWW. As most people are aware, I am the Crane Master (as well as Death Trilogy Commissioner). We now have about two dozen critters which need adopting. Call me obsessive, but I cannot pass up a filled crane game.

We've really never been "bar regulars" before and Kelly made me feel a bit like Norm on "Cheers" whenever I came in...

KELLY: What would you say to a glass of beer, Mark?
MARK: Going Down?

KELLY: What's shaking, Mark?
MARK: All 4 cheeks and a couple of chins.

KELLY: Hey Mr. Sweetwood, there's a cold one waiting for you.
MARK: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

KELLY: Can I draw you a beer, Mark?
MARK: No, I know what one looks like. Just pour me one.

KELLY: How's a beer sound, Mark?
MARK: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

(All dialogue stolen/adapted from www.jokestogo.com which stoled them from "Cheers.")

Summer has given way to the emerging urgencies of the Fall. Our lifestyle is likely to change as employment is likely to rear its intrusive head once again. Kelly will see us less, our Players Plus points will accumulate more slowly and someone else will have to collect the crane bounty.

But we had a marvelous time, while it lasted.

More later!


Mark

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Blame Game CAN Begin...

After weeks of dodging post-Katrina accountability by labeling any effort to question the federal government's response as "the blame game," the White House has apparently changed tactics...

"My biggest mistake was not recognizing, by Saturday (before the storm made landfall), that Louisiana was dysfunctional," Former FEMA chief Michael Brown told a Congressional panel Tuesday. "I very strongly personally regret that I was unable to persuade (Louisiana) Governor (Kathleen) Blanco and (New Orleans) Mayor (Ray) Nagin to sit down, get over their differences and work together. I just couldn't pull that off."

What a mope...

OK, I am done ranting about Katrina. It was a sad chapter and showed government at it's very worst. Watch this space this week for all new non-hurricane-related updates!!!!

More later,


Mark

Thursday, September 15, 2005

This just in...there are POOR people in the South!

President Bush on Thursday night: "As all of us saw on television, there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well."

Uhm, you didn't know that before you watched some TV? I mean, seriously, I knew that and I don't even have a staff to record the TV news on a DVD for me to slide under my door hoping I'll stumble into it without getting too mad...

In a speech in which many lines just seemed to clunk, this may have been the clunkiest. It is as if his staff is trying to make him seem even MORE aloof, which I would argue is a bad idea.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I Got My Response, Part 2

BEFORE Hurricane Katrina hit, BEFORE we knew of the horrible destruction, BEFORE all of the stupidity, I called upon President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Speaker Dennis Hastert and Congressman Don Manzullo to back an effort to order immediate leaves for any soldier who's family back home was victimized.

Nary a politician responded to me, by the way, outside of generic, automatic-generated email responses...

Shortly after the storm, the Bush Administration answered my suggestion, in a manner of speaking, by trundling out a military spokesman to say "no dice!" As I posted Sept. 2: "They're not going to be leaving early as a result of the hurricane," Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch told The Associated Press."

Just to demonstrate a new level of heartlessness, here is an excerpt from Sunday's Washington Post:

Mississippi guardsmen in Iraq refused leave time

By The Washington Post
September 11, 2005

BAGHDAD - Scores of Mississippi National Guardsmen in Iraq who lost their homes to Hurricane Katrina have been refused even 15-day leaves to aid their displaced families, told by commanders there are too few U.S. troops in Iraq to spare them, according to guardsmen.

About 600 members of the Mississippi Guard's 155th Brigade Combat Team, posted south of Baghdad, live in the parts of southern Mississippi and southeast Louisiana hit hardest by Katrina, Maj. Neil F. Murphy Jr., a spokesman with the 2nd Marine Expeditionary Force, said by e-mail Saturday. The brigade is attached to the expeditionary force.

Guard members and relatives said in e-mails or telephone interviews that virtually all of the roughly 300 soldiers of the 155th Brigade's B and C companies had their homes destroyed or severely damaged in the hurricane. Eighty Mississippi Guard members have been granted emergency leave, Murphy said. The rest have been refused leave, told by their brigade command that all other forward operating bases "are tapped out and cannot send troops," one Mississippi Guard member wrote in an e-mail that was shared by a family member.


To say I am disgusted would be an understatement.

More later,


Mark

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Tired of Stupidity

The response to Hurricane Katrina has been marked by unimaginable stupidity. Sadly, that's just about the only thing one could call "unimaginable" in this horrible chapter.

The Adminstration's line is "There'll be a time for blame. Later. When everyone forgets about how stupidly we reacted." As White House spokesman Scott McClellan put it Wednesday: "...I'm just not going to engage in the blame game or finger-pointing that you're trying to get me to engage." In order to protect President Bush's image amidst a flood of criticism, some hysterical conservatives are spinning wild webs of attacks against anyone who would dare question the federal response - even the victims themselves.

Witness Rush Limbaugh: "New Orleans has been run by liberal Democrat governments, people, for as long as I can remember, and there's an entitlement mentality there. You are never going to have a thriving city relying on handouts, or on welfare payments, whatever you want to call them. It's just not going to happen."

Yikes. And that was No. 2 to the stupidest thing said this week. Enter the First Mother, Barbara Bush, who told a radio interviewer Monday after touring Houston's Astrodome: "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

Yeah, well, here in the uhm, "No White House Spin Zone," with apologies to O'Reilly, I did want to explode one bid of stupidity: All the talk about the "unimaginable" destruction of a Category 4 or 5 direct hit on New Orleans.

Or, as President Bush told Diane Sawyer on ABC's "Good Morning America" on Sept. 1: "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."

Ah, er, uhm, Mr. President, ah, you might want to go here:

Times-Picayune 2002 Series

The New Orleans Times-Picayune newspaper warned repeatedly about the dire consequences of a direct strike by a major hurricane. In June 2002, they published a special series, "Washing Away," which is prescient. This part is most interesting:

"A stronger storm on a slightly different course - such as the path (Hurricane) Georges (in 1998) was on just 16 hours before landfall - could have realized emergency officials' worst-case scenario: hundreds of billions of gallons of lake water pouring over the levees into an area averaging 5 feet below sea level with no natural means of drainage. That would turn the city and the east bank of Jefferson Parish into a lake as much as 30 feet deep, fouled with chemicals and waste from ruined septic systems, businesses and homes. Such a flood could trap hundreds of thousands of people in buildings and in vehicles."

Spooky, eh? Not to be out-done, the fine folks at National Geographic did an outstanding feature in 2004 called "Gone With the Water." You can read it here:

Gone With the Water

You might want to focus on this part:

"The storm hit Breton Sound with the fury of a nuclear warhead, pushing a deadly storm surge into Lake Pontchartrain. The water crept to the top of the massive berm that holds back the lake and then spilled over. Nearly 80 percent of New Orleans lies below sea level—more than eight feet below in places—so the water poured in. A liquid brown wall washed over the brick ranch homes of Gentilly, over the clapboard houses of the Ninth Ward, over the white-columned porches of the Garden District, until it raced through the bars and strip joints on Bourbon Street like the pale rider of the Apocalypse. As it reached 25 feet (eight meters) over parts of the city, people climbed onto roofs to escape it."

Maybe, Mr. President, what you meant to say was that no one in your Administration anticipated the breach while you all were on vacation a couple of weeks ago...

From Time Magazine: "The White House is 'very, very slow sometimes,' says a former Administration official. Besides, members of the A team were on vacation: chief of staff Andy Card was in Maine; Dick Cheney was in Wyoming; even Condoleezza Rice was out of town, shoe-shopping in Manhattan. Many of Bush's best p.r. minds, including media adviser Mark McKinnon, were in Greece at the wedding of White House communications director Nicolle Devenish. Had they been around, perhaps Bush would not have been accompanied only by his dog Barney when he returned from vacation in Crawford."  

Well, so much for those August-long vacations! What with terrorists attacking or hurricanes attacking...it's always something! It would seem being President is pretty much a full-time job. Leave the extended summer vacations to the out-of-work newspaper guys of the world...

Or at least READ something every now and then! At least, then, you wouldn't sound so, well, stupid.

Speaking of stupid, just for fun, here's a video of CNN weatherman Chad Myers flipping out on camera as Katrina approached the Gulf Coast:

Myers Flips Out

Yikes!

More later,


Mark

P.S. Don't forget to give: Red Cross Donation

Friday, September 02, 2005

How slow were they...?

From David Letterman's Thursday night monologue as he did his Carsonesque critique of the previous night's "horrible" audience:

"I thought it was the Bush Administration... because they were so slow to respond..."

Well, I Got My Response....

...and it is pathetic (what a surprise, given the Bush Administration's overall pathetic response to the disaster left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina). From the Northwest Herald's Associated Press report this morning:

National Guardsmen to stay in Iraq despite storm

The ASSOCIATED PRESS

BAGHDAD, Iraq – National Guard troops from Louisiana and other Gulf states will not be pulled out of Iraq ahead of schedule despite the devastation from Hurricane Katrina, the U.S. command said Thursday.

Some units are due to leave next month anyway after a year in Iraq, but the process could take weeks to complete.

"They're not going to be leaving early as a result of the hurricane," Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch told The Associated Press. He said the military had set up help lines for servicemen from the Southern states hardest-hit by the hurricane trying to contact family members.

Still, pressure appeared to be building for the hastened withdrawal of some troops from Iraq, allowing them to return to their flood-ravaged home states.

Brig. Gen. John P. Basilica, commander of the Louisiana National Guard's 256th Enhanced Separate Brigade, asked his division commanders in Baghdad to hasten the Louisiana-based brigade's departure, said Lt. Col. Jordan Jones, battalion commander of the New Orleans-based 141st Field Artillery Battalion, which is part of the brigade.

"We were on schedule to leave anyway and he was trying to expedite that," Jones said. The 256th could start leaving Iraq in about a week, if the departure was granted, and begin arriving in Louisiana a few days later.

The request came as 10,000 National Guard troops from across the United States began pouring into Louisiana and Mississippi to shore up security, rescue and relief operations. The new units brought the number of troops dedicated to the effort to more than 18,000, in what may be the largest military response to a natural disaster.

In Doha, Qatar, a spokesman for the U.S. regional command said there would be no large-scale shifting of U.S. troops from Iraq and Afghanistan to help with disaster relief.

But Lt. Col. Trey Cate said military officials were exploring ways to bring individual soldiers home to take care of their families who may have special needs after the devastating storm.

It could be tough to get service members to some especially hard-hit areas because of flooding or mandatory evacuations.

"There are lots of different options of getting soldiers back there," Cate said. "We're going to do our best to take care of the troops and their families."

Navy Cmdr. Jeff Breslau, a U.S. 5th Fleet spokesman in Bahrain, said no U.S. warships in the Persian Gulf would be redirected to disaster relief in the Gulf of Mexico, but individual sailors with family emergencies could be granted home leave.

The Air Force also said it was considering releasing troops from the affected areas.

"U.S. Central Command Air Forces is currently reviewing our ability to send airmen affected by Hurricane Katrina home early from deployment," said Capt. David Small, spokesman for U.S. Central Command Air Forces in Qatar.

Katrina struck as about 3,700 soldiers from the 256th were in the middle of preparations to return to their base in Lafayette, La., after spending nearly a year in combat in Iraq.

Lt. Col. Steve Boylan, spokesman for the U.S. military command in Baghdad, said the 256th is expected to leave Iraq by November – if their deployment is not extended. Boylan said the Army was providing the Louisiana Guardsmen extra Internet and phone lines to contact family and friends affected by the hurricane.

Moving troops and equipment out of Iraq is a process that can take weeks. Most units enter and leave Iraq through Kuwait. Equipment earmarked for incoming units must be cleaned and repaired.

The 256th includes the 141st Field Artillery Battalion, based at Camp Liberty, Saddam Hussein's palace complex near Baghdad International Airport. The 400-member unit has suffered one killed and several wounded during its tour in Iraq.

Lt. Taysha Deaton, a spokeswoman for the unit, said most of the soldiers had been glued to television sets watching scenes of their neighborhoods trying to cope with wind damage and flooding.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

No Reply At All

On Sunday night, with what was then a Category 5 hurricane bearing down on Louisiana and Mississippi, I sent the following letter to President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Speaker of the House U.S. Rep Dennis Hastert and U.S. Rep. Don Manzullo. Five days later, much like the federal response to the disaster wrought by Hurricane Katrina, I have had no response. I think this is an important consideration but I am doubtful that our government has its priorities in line, yet.

Here is my note - and the accompanying very prescient AP article:


I am sure many ideas and plans have been considered by the White House in the past 48 hours. Here is one more that you may NOT have considered but deserves immediate consideration:  
  
Is the president prepared on Tuesday to sign an executive order granting immediate - perhaps even permanent - leave to any U.S. soldier abroad with families victimized by Hurricane Katrina?  
  
It would be bad enough to be serving in Iraq with the normal anxieties about life back home. But it would seem cruel to keep someone there when his or her family might well need them to face the extraordinary circumstances.  
  
Please give this your immediate attention,  
  
Mark M. Sweetwood  
1019 Boxwood Dr.  
Crystal Lake, IL 60014  
(815) 477-2198  
(815) 276-7271  
  
Here is the article which prompted my idea and my concern:  
  
Hurricane Could Leave 1 Million Homeless   
By MATT CRENSON, AP National Writer  
  
 When Hurricane Katrina hits New Orleans on Monday, it could turn one of America's most charming cities into a vast cesspool tainted with toxic chemicals, human waste and even coffins released by floodwaters from the city's legendary cemeteries.  
  
 Experts have warned for years that the levees and pumps that usually keep New Orleans dry have no chance against a direct hit by a Category 5 storm.  
  
 That's exactly what Katrina was as it churned toward the city. With top winds of 165 mph and the power to lift sea level by as much as 28 feet above normal, the storm threatened an environmental disaster of biblical proportions, one that could leave more than 1 million people homeless.  
  
 "All indications are that this is absolutely worst-case scenario," Ivor van Heerden, deputy director of the Louisiana State University Hurricane Center, said Sunday afternoon.  
  
 The center's latest computer simulations indicate that by Tuesday, vast swaths of New Orleans could be under water up to 30 feet deep. In the French Quarter, the water could reach 20 feet, easily submerging the district's iconic cast-iron balconies and bars.  
  
 Estimates predict that 60 percent to 80 percent of the city's houses will be destroyed by wind. With the flood damage, most of the people who live in and around New Orleans could be homeless.  
  
 "We're talking about in essence having ? in the continental United States ? having a refugee camp of a million people," van Heerden said.  
  
 Aside from Hurricane Andrew, which struck Miami in 1992, forecasters have no experience with Category 5 hurricanes hitting densely populated areas.  
  
 "Hurricanes rarely sustain such extreme winds for much time. However we see no obvious large-scale effects to cause a substantial weakening the system and it is expected that the hurricane will be of Category 4 or 5 intensity when it reaches the coast," National Hurricane Center meteorologist Richard Pasch said.  
  
 As they raced to put meteorological instruments in Katrina's path Sunday, wind engineers had little idea what their equipment would record.  
  
 "We haven't seen something this big since we started the program," said Kurt Gurley, a University of Florida engineering professor. He works for the Florida Coastal Monitoring Program, which is in its seventh year of making detailed measurements of hurricane wind conditions using a set of mobile weather stations.  
  
 Experts have warned about New Orleans' vulnerability for years, chiefly because Louisiana has lost more than a million acres of coastal wetlands in the past seven decades. The vast patchwork of swamps and bayous south of the city serves as a buffer, partially absorbing the surge of water that a hurricane pushes ashore.  
  
 Experts have also warned that the ring of high levees around New Orleans, designed to protect the city from floodwaters coming down the Mississippi, will only make things worse in a powerful hurricane. Katrina is expected to push a 28-foot storm surge against the levees. Even if they hold, water will pour over their tops and begin filling the city as if it were a sinking canoe.  
  
After the storm passes, the water will have nowhere to go.  
  
 In a few days, van Heerden predicts, emergency management officials are going to be wondering how to handle a giant stagnant pond contaminated with building debris, coffins, sewage and other hazardous materials.  
  
 "We're talking about an incredible environmental disaster," van Heerden said.  
  
 He puts much of the blame for New Orleans' dire situation on the very levee system that is designed to protect southern Louisiana from Mississippi River floods.  
  
 Before the levees were built, the river would top its banks during floods and wash through a maze of bayous and swamps, dropping fine-grained silt that nourished plants and kept the land just above sea level.  
  
 The levees "have literally starved our wetlands to death" by directing all of that precious silt out into the Gulf of Mexico, van Heerden said.  
  
 It has been 40 years since New Orleans faced a hurricane even comparable to Katrina. In 1965, Hurricane Betsy, a Category 3 storm, submerged some parts of the city to a depth of seven feet.  
  
 Since then, the Big Easy has had nothing but near misses. In 1998, Hurricane Georges headed straight for New Orleans, then swerved at the last minute to strike Mississippi and Alabama. Hurricane Lili blew herself out at the mouth of the Mississippi in 2002. And last year's Hurricane Ivan obligingly curved to the east as it came ashore, barely grazing a grateful city.  
  
 
 

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Katrina Aftermath

Hey, all! Sorry for the lack of updates, but I have been VERY busy. I do appreciate all the phone calls and emails complaining about my lack of updates, though!

Now, I have much to say, but pressing matters take priority.

In light of the massive destruction and heartache left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, there are TWO ways you can help the American Red Cross and your fellow citizens. Well, three if you count saying a prayer...

The first, is to make a donation. If you can spare some cash, please click here:

Red Cross Donation

They are accepting any amount. They are just desperate for your help. If you prefer giving blood, please call 1-800-448-3543.

But there is something else you can do that would greatly aid the Red Cross in the future: You can be better prepared.

Look, there will be plenty of time to analyze why so many people failed to heed the warning and flee this massive storm that was heading their way. I have a feeling this event will serve as a lesson for all. But disasters can strike anywhere at any time. A hurricane or tropical storm down South. A tornado or a blizzard here in the Midwest. An earthquake out West. Sometimes, disasters strike without warning or circumstances prevent a person's ability to flee.

As you watch the futility of rescue workers attempting to help those in need coupled with dwindling supplies you have to be struck by how much less pain there might have been if only people would have heeded the Red Cross BEFORE the storm. You can't rein in nature, but you can be better prepared.

How prepared would you be if you faced a natural disaster tomorrow? Even if you maintained a roof over your head, how would you and your family fare in a sudden absence of fresh water, phone service and electricity? Do you have any nonperishable food supplies in reserve? How about an emergency medical kit that someone hasn't pilfered all of the bandages out of? Do the batteries in your flashlight work?

Go here:

Be Prepared!

Everything you need to know to be prepared is right there. While this horrible disaster and the human suffering is still foremost in your mind, take some time this weekend and put a kit together. Collect what you need and put it in a plastic storage container that you can tuck away in the basement so that when disaster strikes your world, your family will have a fighting chance. And you might be one less victim for the Red Cross to have to worry about in the short-term aftermath of a major disaster.

More later!

Mark

Friday, August 05, 2005

Blast, Part 2

I have been thinking a lot about life and change lately.

My new gig, essentially laying around the house, has provided me ample time to reflect. And I discovered that I still am learning lessons, even at the ripe old age of 45.

Now, I've always felt that I was in a state of evolution. Sure, like most people, I knew everything when I was 20. Somehow, I still managed to become editor of a daily newspaper by 29, married at 37, publisher by 42 and semi-retired at 45. Along the way, I have always amazed myself by my capacity to learn. Now I have this rare gift: Time to pause and actually put aspects of my life in some perspective.

When this year began, neither Mary nor I expected to end up at home. We're both workaholics, fiercely competitive and each have had some kind of regular job to go to since our teens. Yet, the two pushy know-it-all-control-freaks - either of whom could easily have harpooned the other with a paint stick just seven years ago - have somehow evolved into a supportive, enduring, loving, attentive couple. Despite the office pools, we've stuck it out and will observe our 8th anniversary later this month.

Yeah, it's almost sickening. For better or worse? This experience is something in-between. But if it has to be, in the words of the great Paul Williams, "you and me against the world," we kind of like the odds. We wouldn't have it any other way. Well, at least I wouldn't.

Hence we have been bravely embarking on a series of home projects in our free time, which we manage to find nearly every day. We took two days to restain the pool deck. We're renovating our third bathroom - and changed light fixtures in two. We built four deck chairs and Mary is making new drapes and valances. Certain episodes aside, calm has reigned. Now, maybe it is because we aren't shoe-horning a project in between 10-hour-a-day jobs and weekend events, but we have even found some, er, joy in shopping at Lowe's together, choosing paints and appropriate accoutrements.

I'm sure people see us holding hands and skipping down the aisles and just presume we're drunk...

That said, not all has been without incident. The other day, Mary assisted me as we built a "space saver" (the polite way to refer to those shelves that fit around and over toilets) and I became extremely angry. My pet peeve in any project in which I am required to build some furniture-thingy, is when the instructions are wrong. Well this particular item, from the fine folks at Target, had 13 steps and the very first one was clearly WRONG! It was instructing me to put the cam screw where the wooden guide rod was supposed to go and vice versa.

Now Mary had a simple solution: Just reverse them. Voila! My solution was a tad less impetuous, the result of years of putting together crappy wooden furniture. I sought a studied approach requiring a careful examination of all of the steps in the instructions to make sure that reversing the placement of those beginning steps would not render the entire toilet shelf (the impolite way to refer to those shelves that fit around and over the commode) obsolete. First I had to have a screaming, crying, curse-filled rant invoking God's wrath to bestow all sorts of ills upon anyone who has ever worked at Target and their families. And their pets. And the future fruits of their respective loins.

Screaming fits make a lot of women nervous, Mary included. But if prayers are answered, God has something pretty bad in store for anyone who has ever had anything to do with Target.

I'm off an a tangent. Sorry.

Eventually, that project was back on track and the finished product looks fine in the newly renovated master bathroom that I am not allowed in.

Earlier in the week, we had another small detour in the road to typical household calm. Mary had gone upstairs to prepare that same bathroom for painting. I had gone to run errands and do some banking. I arrived home to discover Mary was no longer working on the bathroom, but, instead, was working on recovering an ottoman. Thinking nothing of it, I sat down in my chair to watch Judge Judy give someone what-for. No one gives good what-for like Judge Judy. Something caught my eye and I looked toward the ceiling to see giant wet spots.

I was pretty confident that they weren't there in 1998 when we bought the house or even earlier that morning before the errands...

"Honey, why is the ceiling wet?" was my reasoned query. She gave a sheepish look as she came into the room. "Oh, THAT. A bucket of water fell off the toilet and spilled..."

Notice it "fell." It wasn't pushed or the result of any human intervention. Much of the water poured into the air grate in the floor and some how leaked from a duct into the family room ceiling, I surmised. In reality, it looked at first like some bigger disaster occurred rather than mere water dribbled from a bucket. I've attached an illustration of what I really think happened, though I have no proof. The good news: Much of it dried and disappeared within a few hours.

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In the old days, this could have been the setting for a fierce battle royale. Now? I simply said: "This is the last time I let you and your friend Viv install a shower." Seriously, so great is my love for this remarkable woman, the teasing all-but ended within 24 hours!

So here is what I learned at 45: Lots of things can happen to you in a lifetime. Ferris Bueller summed it up pretty well: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." I am grateful for this time to look around and even more grateful to have this wonderful person with which to enjoy it.



Mark

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Blast from the past...

Happy August!

Now, I'm not doing this because I am lazy. No, really. Seriously. I have a method to my madness this time. In order to make a larger point in my next blog, I need to take you back seven years to May 1998. Back then, I had a weekly column for the Northwest Herald and I devoted one missive to my account of Mary and Mark's first joint home improvement project: Painting the basement.

My usual attempts at Thurberian embellishments aside, it is pretty close to a detailed, factual representation of every married couple's (or, at least, husband's) worst nightmare. Enjoy! And come back Friday for the sequel!


Mark


From 1998:
Those home improvement shows on TV represent the single, greatest threat to any marriage.

I stumbled onto this fact on my third day of being a homeowner, in hour No. 3 of the six-hour basement-painting marathon, just as we were renouncing our wedding vows.

Now, who was at fault and why she was at fault is irrelevant. What is important is what we learned from this episode: Namely, that those home shows can lead to far more violence than ‘‘COPS.’’

The scenario is as such: Folks watch these half-hour shows on stations such as cable’s ‘‘The Home & Garden Channel.’’ In less than 30 minutes, the show’s host is able to undertake and complete a project like installing a new foundation to a home or remodeling an entire kitchen. He or she completes the task without breaking a sweat, making any mistakes, or even running to the store, since he or she seemingly has an endless supply of everything needed for such a project.

Now, some people who watch these shows believe they are seeing reality and are inspired by the ease by which these projects can be accomplished. Of course, like most things television, this so-called ‘‘ease’’ is a big, fat lie. They don’t show the show’s staff trudging down to Sear’s Hardware to get all the stuff for the prima donna host. They edit out all the mistakes he or she makes. Make-up artists stand-by between shots to mop the seat from the host's brow. Time-lapse photography makes hours seem like seconds. You cannot, for instance, re-tile an entire shower stall in less than 30 minutes, complete with a catchy show theme and commercials. I’m sorry if I just shattered any illusions out there. My informal poll tells me the viewers are mainly women, but I am sure some guys watch, too, though I’d rather not meet any guy who does

Marital strife occurs when those inspired by these shows drag their unsuspecting spouses into projects better left to professionals. Worse, these same people, even though they’ve never actually undertaken projects themselves, are now instant experts because they saw it done on TV.

This is when good marriages can turn bad.

Now, I had never painted an entire finished basement before Memorial Day. Nor had I previously used a paint-stick. All I knew was that the wife had seen some show where all this was done with ease and she had confirmed the ease in conversations with other women, presumably those who had seen the same show.
And, to be honest, I wanted the basement bar to be another color other than purplish gray, which is, by the way, a very strange color to paint an entire basement. This does make me a willing accessory to the entire episode, I admit.

After wasting some time with the wrong paint (bought after consulting with a hardware store employee who answered my query of ‘‘What do you know about paint?’’ with ‘‘Everything!’’ which also turned out to be a lie) we began our respective tasks. I was to run the paint-stick roller while she taped and trimmed.
Covering purplish gray with antique white is probably not the best of ideas but darned if I was was gonna put a primer coat down over the entire basement. So, as I gained experience confidence with the paint stick, I gradually came to the conclusion that most areas were gonna have to take two coats. Also, I learned paint looks less even until it dries, when all artistic ills seemingly evaporate.

As I toiled, my expert spouse made several comments (‘‘It doesn’t look even....’’ ‘‘Maybe if you painted more slowly....’’ ‘‘You are destroying the entire basement, you moron!’’ ‘‘As God is my witness, you will rot in Hades, you bumbling jerk!’’ Or something to that effect...) that eventually pushed me over the edge.

‘‘I never said I was the best painter,’’ I finally yelled. ‘‘I said I was the best painter YOU could afford.’’

Hours later, I realized I had subconsciously stolen that line from my father, having found himself in a similar confrontation with his own painting expert.

Eventually, we were done. I noticed that my expert’s high painting standards seemed to subside once she finished the taping and actually began to trim and realize how hard it is to cover purplish gray with antique white.

We resolved – for the sake of our marriage – to never undertake such a project again – at least not together. The basement looks great, though. In fact, maybe we’ll find that spare half-hour this weekend to remodel the kitchen...
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