(FORMER EDITOR'S NOTE – Way back on May 14, 1986, in the Peoria Observer, I dedicated a column to the Class of 1986, giving them my version of a commencement address. Well, I have received so many requests that I republish it (mostly from those little voices inside my head) that I decided to dust it off, freshen up the references and update my blog. Congratulations to all graduates everywhere!)
It's graduation season and, yes, it has happened again.
Every year at this time I prepare a commencement address and, every year, I'm not asked to deliver it.
My old alma mater, Bradley University hasn't called. None of the local high schools have searched me out as a guest speaker. The middle schools haven’t called, either...
So, this year I’m publishing my speech on my blog. Feel free to use it, should you find yourself invited to give some kind of commencement address. I ask only that you credit your source (something like, "In occasions such as this, I am legally compelled to recall of the words of that great orator, Mark M. Sweetwood, who wasn’t asked to speak tonight even though he is probably sitting home this very minute playing 'Godfather' on his PlayStation2.'').
Greetings Class of 2006.
As you prepare to embark down the road to the real world, let me offer these words of wisdom: The road to the real world is pretty poorly paved. In fact, it is strewn with potholes, rocks and bits of gravel. Oh, yes, and there will be detours and obstructions. Just when your think you found the right road, you’ll be lost. As you travel that road, watch for the sign that says, "Real World, Next Exit." Take that exit, go down a block and turn left at the first stoplight. Go down that street about a quarter mile, until you come to the riverboat casino, which is down the street from the micro-brewery.
The real world is right in between there. You can't miss it.
I hope that helps you.
As I look around today, I'm intrigued to think of you as the leaders of tomorrow. Well, perhaps "intrigued" isn't the right word. Actually, I'm scared to death. To think that the very people who pay real money to download Shakira on iTunes will be the same people running the world in 10 or 20 years, well, it just sends shivers up my spine. As I look upon you, I see a sea of pizza box hats and gowns. What's this supposed to be: A convention of cross-dressing Domino deliverers? (Pause for forced obligatory laughter mixed with jeers). Uhm, not that there's anything wrong with cross-dressers... I loved "TransAmerica." Well, I would have loved it if I had actually seen it... The point is, I am open-minded enough to not have specifically avoided it...
Tonight, oh mighty Class of 2006 at (insert school's name here), you are crossing that bridge from silly mixed-up teens to adulthood. As adults, you will find new responsibilities. There's auto insurance, doing your own laundry (and keeping the blue "I Only Come to Wrigley Field for the Beer and to Boo Dusty Baker” t-shirt out of the sweat socks pile), qualifying for a mortgage and watching "The Home and Garden Channel," just to name a few.
Some of you will choose to go to college (if this is a college commencement, change this line to "Some of you will sober up."). Some of you will master a trade. Some of you will choose to raise a family.
Whatever path to the real world you choose, I want you to remember this: Don't be afraid of failure. Many of our most prominent doctors and lawyers are failures. Some don’t have the slightest idea what it is that they are talking about. In fact, without pointing fingers, there's a lawyer here tonight who used to think "Juris Prudence" was a Beatles song.
True, he's a failure as far as the law goes. But he still makes more money than broken down former editors who give commencement addresses. It's all so relative.
Oh, Class of 2006 at (insert name of school here), just as the acorn will eventually grow to be the mighty oak if it isn't devoured by the squirrels, so shall the Class of 2006 grow to be the mighty leaders of tomorrow, if you aren’t eaten by the squirrels. So be careful and close your windows at night, so squirrels won't sneak into your bedroom while you are asleep.
And don’t eat peanut butter at bedtime. It attracts squirrels, you know.
Anyway, the message I want to leave with "Generation KY" tonight is: "Do the Dew." Yes, I know that is a rather vacuous bit of logic that could lead to disaster. But you TV generation kids seem to like it, so I thought I'd just say it. Also, "Which Mac are you?" (Pause for answer.) How about: "Is it in you?" Hmmm...? Or: "Shinizzle my Frinizzles." Finally, and most importantly, "Step off, dude!"
Please, whatever you do in the years ahead, pledge tonight to end the proliferation of "Dude!"
Thank you and good night.
More later!
Mark
No comments:
Post a Comment